FAQ for Single Moms

Keep kids in mind when inviting - or spitting - an ex

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#063005
QUESTION(S): Post from http://forums.singlemom.com

        My ex and I have four children. We got a divorce three years ago because she wanted to separate. No one was having an affair, and I think she was a little bit surprised when I met someone and started over, but what did she expect me to do? Now when she gives a party for a graduation or birthday, she invites all my family - my parents and sisters and their husbands and children, and they go! But she never invites my new wife and me. This makes it very difficult for me. Hosting a similar event seems quite redundant. Any advice?

Thanks.

ANSWER(S): Contributors

Replied by Jann Blackstone-Ford & Shary Jupe from: www.bonusfamilies.com

        If you were running around while married and put your ex and children through a lot of pain, we could understand why she's not inviting you to family get-togethers. Although it's not good ex-etiquette, it's pretty painful to have to make nice when your ex has so clearly betrayed you. However, this doesn't seem to be what happened in your case. You said the initial separation was your ex's idea, so that makes us think she probably wasn't expecting you to find someone else so quickly. It sounds as if she's hurt, and now that you have someone else, the only way she can get you notice is to hurt you, too, by not inviting you to family functions.

        Many become frustrated at some point in their marriage and believe a trial separation will let things settle down before starting to work on what's really wrong with the marriage. But you play with fire when you separate. Rather than see it as a cooling-period, the other may feel rejected. What's the best antidote for rejections? Acceptance - and that usually comes from someone else.

        There are times that separation has been at the root of reconciliation, but more often than not, it's the end of the relationship. Moreover, when a couple with children separates, it's not just 2 separating; it's a family in chaos, and the decision to "experiment" with separation takes on a whole new meaning.

        To you and your ex, we say, "When in doubt about how to handle a situation, ask yourself, 'Am I making this decision for me because I am hurt, angry or jealous or am I making it in the best interest of my children?'" If she is not inviting you and your new wife out of spite, it's time to knock if off and rethink her approach. If she's doing it because the kids have told her it's too much, too soon, then that's something you must take into consideration. Remember, the ultimate goal is not who is right or wrong, but to parent your children the best way you can, even though you no longer live together. When your children are ready to celebrate together; they will let you know. And when that time comes, we hope you are both listening.