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SECOND WEEK OF JANUARY
"Single Mom in love & I worry about my son "
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Q: "Good Morning Joy, My
name is B., and I was a single 27 yr old mother with a son who will be
turning 8 in May. My son is everything to me. We have been solo for 7
years up until 2 months ago, I started dating a man who turned out to me
my soul mate. 2 months ago it became official and we have been serious 2
months now. You see Joy I have always dated but I never introduced my son
to anyone unless I new it was serious. He would always make comments about
how he wished that I would love someone and have someone in my life. Now
that day has arrived and he is so happy that we have R. in our lives. My
son's state of mind is very important to me and as
much as he expresses that he is happy for me....I feel that I have to some
what cut the cord....for one he always slept with me and I feel that now
some things need to change and at the same time this is all new to me and
I need help making sure that I don't make him feel that I'm pushing him to
the side. I also find myself feeling guilty at times when we stay over
R.'s house and I tell my son that he has to sleep on the couch...he
understands and listens but why do I feel guilty...at the same time I feel
that I have to exclude him from the bed area and not only because of
intimacy but I want him to learn that what I and R. have is
different from what my son and I have without feeling that I'm hurting
him....I hope I somewhat make sense....but I'm trying to process
everything myself since this is all new to me as well.
E. (son's father) and I dated back when I was 12 and it lasted until I became
pregnant with my son at age 19. E. was very abusive emotionally,
mentally and physically. The day I gave light to my son was the day I
realized that I didn't want that kind of life for my son and left behind
us...it was the longest breakup because his dad would not except it...he's
been in and out of jail all his life and every time he was out I went
through many orders of protection to keep him away from us and remain
safe. That finally ended after my son turned 2. E. has been in and
out of jail ever since. Last year in December, L. seen his dad for the
first time in 3 yrs...but he never forgot his dad. At first he would see
him every weekend then that changed to every other weekend and now he
barely looks for him. he doesn't even call which it is disappointing only
because my son waits and
hurts for him. My son even makes comments like "I wish my dad was
a good dad" I never bad mouth his father, I always believed that
L. would learn what type of man his father is on his own. And
I think that he's learning that now....
His father is not the best role model nor influence...as the matter of
fact he's not a good father at all. He's been in and out of my son's life
and at time's doesn't even look for him. My son is always talking about
his dad to R. and I'm trying to understand what's behind it...not that
it's wrong but I just need to learn how to help him. My son has been
deprived of a man figure in his life that even when his dad was
around...it was always about entertainment. My son has no respect for his
dad nor is there discipline when he's with him but he loves him so much.
My son only expects to be entertained when he's with his dad and then
return to me there after. Since I am his foundation we have a routine that
involves daily activities such as work, school, homework, dinner, shower,
and bed time.
The way I describe it to my son is that I'm his general and he's my
soldier and we are a team. We both have to work together to accomplish our
goals. He doesn't have that with his dad. L. (my son) has been in
such an emotional roller coaster with his dad that I feel I have to make a
decision between what my son wants and what best for him...and right now I
feel that not having his father in his life would be best for him...he's
hurt him to much and it hurts me to see my son so disappointed. I never
planned on falling in Love when I did but I know we are going to have a
wonderful life with R. and R. wants to do whatever possible to become a
family and it means so much to him that L. doesn't resent him now or in
the future. We've even been reading books a child behavior but we need all
the help we can get. I love them both very much...and I want to learn how
to deal with whatever is coming our way... Joy, I just want to be a good
mom and keep a healthy and happy relationship with my son and R....can you
please give me some advice ? Am I doing anything
wrong ? Sincerely & With Much Conviction, B.G. "
A: "In reply to B.G., thank you for
a wonderful Email. Reading your Email, I agree to almost everything that
you have to say or think. Especially, the way you handle your son &
your ex situations. I can't even think of a better way.
First, let's look at your son at home. He's seven years old and it's OK
when you try to let him sleeping on his bed, not with you. Sooner or later
you have to cut the cord right? You are feeling guilty because you're
afraid of hurting your son feeling. Again, you have been such a wonderful
mom to your son. I'm sure with enough explanation, love, & support.
Your son will love you even more & be more understanding with your new
partner in life.
Second, R., your new partner. It seems to me that he's a great man. He
seems like a very understanding person that willing to take care both of
you & your son. How often, you meet a man or a person like that in
life? Not too often I must say. You're wise enough to see how good R. is
to you & your son. Time to move on with life. Time to enjoy life with
R. & your son at the same time. Let's R. play with your son, talk to
him, read him bed time stories, and show your son more love & support.
That's the best way to reach your son. I'm sure your son will adore R. as
much as you do eventually.
Third, your ex - the father. As you mentioned, he is in and out of
jail. You have done many things to protect your son from his father. You
did the RIGHT thing Brenda. Again, it hurts to hear your son wish that his
dad was a good dad. And you never bad mouth about it. I totally understand
that from my own experience. I was around 5 or 6 at the time. My mother
never said 1 bad thing about my biological father. As I'm growing up &
seeing things around me. Compare what I didn't have from my biological
father as my friends did... I just know... Kids with single parent
families grow faster & mature faster than those who have both
parents... And a few years later, my mother found my stepfather. I didn't
like it at first, but seeing how great he took care of my grandma and my
mom. My heart melted and I grew to love my stepfather more and more with
all respect. Now and then, when things when wrong, I wish my biological
father was around... Then I realized that was only a wish... I wish he
could, but he can't.... And that is reality... It's very easy to produce a
baby, but it's a very difficult task to raise a child with love, support
& care. You & R. do just that. You are a great mother and you have
made all the right decision. I can't tell you what to do with your ex, but
you know what to do... What best for your son... Follow your heart &
mind at the same time... Protect him...
Last but not least Brenda, you seem to do everything the right way and
the way that any wise & loving mother would do. Now is the New Year
has arrived. I hope this will be a good year for you to start building
this relationship of three - your son, R. & you. I wish you the best
& please drop me a line sometimes to see how your son is doing. Remember, you are a great Mom & your son love you
dearly. Don't ever forget that!
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