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SECOND WEEK OF APRIL

"Where is my father?"
Continuing...

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#150402.01
Q: "Hi Joy, my 2 1/2 year old son surprised me with a question... "Where's my Father ?" I was not prepared to answer this question yet and am still unsure how to answer it at an age appropriate level. His Father and I split during my pregnancy after a 6 year relationship and communication has been very difficult since. He says he wants to be a part of his life but fails to make the effort or do anything to support him. My son is better off without him but it still leaves the question. Any suggestions? Amber."

Star - a SingleMom.com visitor: "In reply to A., Please post this in answer to this posting.  I think I may be able to share something with her, Thanks!

I can understand your dilemma, as I've been in your situation before.  So, all I can tell you is what I did.  First off, my fiancée left when I was 7 months pregnant with our daughter.  I never heard from him/nor his family  until our daughter was 6 1/2 years old, but that's an entirely different story. LOL!

Anyhow, the older my daughter got, the more questions, the deeper the questions.  You need to be careful with your words in answering him.  At his age keep them very simple.  I told my daughter at your son's age that her father was  living far away now.  (You'd have to come up with something else if he lives where you do).  I never lied to my daughter, but wasn't going into details either.  I put a picture of her father in her bedroom for her.  If you answer your son's questions and don't 'shrug' them off, he will be content with what you tell him.....till he gets to thinking of it again..:(   My daughter asked when she was in pre-school, and 1st grade, the questions just get harder to answer.....so just come up with a plan now.  I told her her father was married, and that he had other children now, but that I'm sure if he knew her he would love her very much!  I never told her one bad word about her father.  When she was in 1st grade she made a card for him for Father's day , and I let her send it.  At the post office she put her envelope in the slot and just stood there and said, "I'm going to wait here till daddy comes and picks up his letter."   I smiled and cried at the same time. 

I guess the thing that helped the most was this:  Get a shoebox, let your son paint it/decorate it however he wants to.  This will be his 'Father's box".  He can put anything he wants to in it, pictures, video tape, paintings, cards done for his father.  Of course my daughter's one shoebox turned into 2 large ones!  She would pick a few pictures out of some recently developed and put them her fathers box.  I told her when her father decided he was ready, she could give him his box.    This gave her an indirect sense/connection to her father, her father was important to her in this regard.  It's hard to explain really~  but I'm sure you get what I'm saying.  When ever she asked about him, I asked if she wanted to make something to put in her father's box.  And she always did.  It was good for her emotional health.........and the best present a child could ever give an absent parent.   I knew where he was, but it was up to him to make contact.  He knew he left behind a little girl.

And it's true.......he will find out who his father is in time.   My daughter was very excited when her father contacted us when she was 6 1/2 years old.  But you could tell, there was a skeptical bond...of course.  She has now known her father for almost two years now, and she has no respect for him.  She loves him, but there is a definite strain on their relationship, that will be there unless her father tries harder to connect with her.  But it's hard for him to connect with her............I believe this is because he still holds so much guilt for what he has done to her in the past. 

Now that him and his  family realizes they can't get close to my daughter like they would've if they had been in contact all her life........it is my fault that I've not let them get close to her.   This is all just their guilt taking it out on me.  Until they admit and deal with their guilt over how this has affected my daughter emotionally....they will probably never be very close to her.

Just love your son, don't worry about what his father is or isn't doing.  You can't make a father ...be a daddy.  My best to you and your son.  If you want to talk let me know.   Star." 

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Thank you for your wonderful answer Star.  We wish you the best and take good care.

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