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FOURTH WEEK OF SEPTEMBER

"I'm 3 1/2 months pregnant & my boyfriend is not ready!"

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Q: Dear Joy, I am 23 years old and 14 weeks pregnant.  I have always wanted to be a Mother - someday.  This came as a surprise, but I welcomed it immediately.  My boyfriend on the other hand - has had some issues.  We moved way too fast.  We met in March this year, and became serious right away.  We just clicked, and started spending at least 5 days a week together.  All of the sudden, he was living with me, and we were behaving as if we'd always been together.  But our relationship consisted of bar hopping - for the most part.  We both enjoyed singing Karaoke, and we both had a taste for liquor.  We were having a blast.  Two peas in a pod.  But we were careless.

I  had been in love just once before, and it had been 3 years since that break up.  He is 31 years old and divorced.  He already has two young children, 5 and 7  - boy and girl.  He has been divorced for three years, and has his kids every other weekend.  His kids are great!  I clicked with them as well. 

He got a DUI in May and as a result became very dependant on me for getting around, for everything.  Then in June, we found out I was pregnant.  We seemed so close, so I hoped this would be an okay transition.  My hopes failed to have any impact.  I was instantly ready to settle down.  Obviously, I quit drinking, and expected him to slow his roll a little bit.  His drinking became a nuisance.  He would stay out all night long.  Sometimes he wouldn't come home until the next day.  He would never call.  When I became angry with him for leaving me alone with my worries all night, he was not remorseful and actually would be angry with me.  That was his defense.  Turn it around on me.  Tell me I was ridiculous.  He would say, "What??  Are we married???".  My response was, "Obviously not, but we do live together and I am having your child and I at least deserve a phone call."

This happened increasingly more often.  He was more and more withdrawn.  His comments about the pregnancy lessened, and when he did acknowledge it his comments were negative.  Always referring to how broke we were going be, how fast it all happened, or how he wasn't ready.  He would promise to call me if he was not going to come home or if he was going to be late, but he never did.  We kept arguing and he kept making and breaking promises.

He came home one morning after being out all night, and I lost it.  He then admitted he had a drinking problem.  He admitted that once he started drinking, he could not stop.  So, I took a hard look at my future, and decided to make him choose.  He was not going to have me and the baby and a lovely little home life and get to keep carousing with his buddies with no consideration for me or our child.  He was not getting both.  I made him choose.  I said quit drinking and get help or go.  I said I would go to AA with him.  I told him if he was not ready to stop drinking that I understood that, as you do have to be ready or it will not work.  But as understanding as I was, he could not be with me and keep drinking.  He chose me.  He started treatment.  Yeah!! Right?  No.  Because he failed.  He screwed up every 2 weeks. And it wasn't just a little slip and he had a drink.  It was the 6:00 a.m. crap again.  I am pregnant, I am an emotional mess as it is, and I don't need this stress.  I wonder if he is okay, and I wonder if he is cheating on me, or if he is in trouble.  So after 4 times of him doing this, I packed his things.  He is out.  I now know understand why his first marriage ended. 

I guess I want to know what you think of him.  He tells me loves me, but look at his actions.  I want us to be a family, but I want a stable home for my child.  I don't think he is stable.  I am 3 months pregnant and we have been a couple for 5 months.  Yikes, huh?  But I do love him, but I am not willing to compromise my child's happiness or my own.  Was I too harsh?  Should he still be in the delivery room if we are not together?  I am so confused.  What are your thoughts?  Thank you so much! Kayla B.

A: Dear Kayla, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through right now.  Reading your story just like I've read many others.  Can't help myself to feel the pain you've been through. Now, what do you want to do with your life and your future child life.  There's so much that you can do to make this man realize that you love and care so much for him; and that you are willing to do what it takes to have a happy family... Only if he is willing to do the same.

You can't force someone in doing something that against their will Kayla.  As you mentioned, he is a good man when you first met him and that you two clicked right away.  Was it really love or was it something else?  If the man said that he is not ready to be in a relationship, there is nothing that you can do to stop him.  Can you blame him? Of course, you can; but does he listen to you? No, he doesn't.  You can't make a man do anything, if he doesn't want to.  If the man loves you enough, he would have shown it to you by his action.  He would have been there for you when you needed him the most.

The fact is that you are pregnant with his child and he is far from being ready with this task.  He fail once and now the idea of gong through it again would scare him off.  As we know, some men grow up and be responsible with their actions in life and some other men just simply get older, never grow up!  Do you worry about if he will be in the delivery room with you?  Kayla, you should worry more about your health right now.  You are pregnant.  You want this child to be born healthy, do you?  Do you want your child to be born smart?  Do you want your child to be born happy?  I'm sure you will say yes to all these questions.  In order for you to do that Kayla, you need to be STRONG, WISE, & HAVE RESPONSIBILITY.

People make mistakes Kayla.  Just like the man you are in love with. He was married once and obviously he wasn't ready for the next.  You can't force him to be with you or to have the child with you.  It seems to me that the decision to have this child was all yours.  You also mentioned that he is an alcoholic & that he needs help.  There is so much that you can do to make this relationship to work Kayla.  maybe you need to calm down and DON'T expect much from him.  You need to figure out how to do this by yourself.  He's a mess himself and if the guy is not ready.  It's not his fault, isn't it?  Would you like to do something against your will? Would you like to be with someone, if he forces you to?  Of course not.  Men think differently.  Even he said that he loves you and all that, but doesn't mean that he wants to get married and be a father right away.

Now, you need to realize that you will go through this rough time by yourself.  Lower your expectation about your boyfriend will be there for you, and expect the worst may happen.  So that if things turn out to be good, then that is better for you.  This child inside you right now really, really need you.  You need to stay healthy & clear up your mind, so that you can focus to think more positively, wisely, & productively.  Being a single mother is a very difficult job, I hope you realize it by now.  Raising a child by yourself needs a lot works, efforts, time, and love.

Kayla, I CAN'T tell you what you should do or should NOT do.  It's your life and you have fully control over it.  Except this unborn innocent child, he/she is going to need a lot of love from you and the father.  Don't count on anything that you don't see it around you now.  This child needs you more than anything and therefore, get yourself together and take good care of yourself, your body and your mind.  Because when this child is born,  you need to be READY Kayla.

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