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SECOND WEEK OF OCTOBER

"I found my daughter's father after 18 years!"

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#151002.01
Q: Dear Joy, Hi, My name is B., I have been a single mom for almost 18 years. Almost 2 months ago, I was able to locate my daughters father.  We started corresponding by E-mail and he started replying to my daughter. Then he wanted  a DNA test, no problem with me we took that. 

So after all the results came back positive he decided he wanted to see her.  Last time he seen her she was about 3. His wife and him drove in from the state they live in and met my daughter.  This has been my daughters dream forever and I want her to be happy, she really likes her father, which he is not a bad person he just never wanted children.  Now he wants to be in her life and I am trying real hard to make things as easy as possible for everyone.  When does it become easier for me though.? I have feelings too. 

I feel his wife wants to take control with my daughter and would rather I corresponded with her over matters instead of my daughters father, I don't feel that is right. She is not a biological parent. Some of the things she does or pictures she gives my daughter are not appropriate for a 17 year old. Not in my opinion, and I am the one that has raised her.  My daughter doesn't want any problems so she doesn't want me to say anything. I know if I say anything and his wife gets upset that my daughter will be upset with me,. I don't know how to cope with the roller coaster I feel like I am on. Thank you so much! B.

A: Dear B., thank you for writing to me. First, I'm happy for your daughter that she found her father at last. Secondly, I want to say that you did a wonderful job in raising your daughter all by yourself after all these years.  You love & care enough to fulfill your daughter's dream with all you can.  You did all you could and now you have to deal with a whole lot more.

If there is something that is inappropriate or so that you think, you should discuss that with the father.  You didn't mention if your ex has anymore children with his current wife. If they don't, then it's probably why the stepmother tries to win your daughter love.  It could be she doesn't want to lose her husband attention, therefore she tries harder when your daughter is around.

It's not an easy matter to discuss and it can be a sensitive subject when you bring this up with your ex.  However, you can explain to him that how your daughter has been raised and ask him to understand certain things or rules that you have.  You should ask your ex to be sensitive about it also to his wife, because you don't want anyone to upset, especially, your daughter. You can also open up with your daughter about it and ask her how she feels about her stepmother.  Just because the other lady has a different way of thinking, she's not as protective as you are, therefore she would do certain thing without thinking much about it. 

On your side, this is your daughter, you are more attached, protective & care. Therefore, you feel like you are on a roller coaster, but maybe things are not all that bad.  You should calm down and think what would be best for your daughter.  This stepmother is already in your daughter's life and most likely she will be there to stay.  Therefore, you even need to be more sensitive about the whole thing when you talk to you ex about it.

I know it's hard for you to see something wonderful as your daughter getting closer to someone is hardly know her.  However, you should learn how to let it go.  Your daughter is almost 18 years old.  She's in fact old enough to understand what is appropriate and what not.  Very soon, your daughter will start making a lot more decision for her life.  It will not be easy to watch her go, but you should be happy that she is growing up and becoming a young woman of her own.

All we can do is to pray the best for her and I hope that your daughter's father has been treating her well since they are united.

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