Q:

"Good Morning Joy, My name is B., and I was a single 27 yr old mother with a son who will be turning 8 in May. My son is everything to me. We have been solo for 7 years up until 2 months ago, I started dating a man who turned out to me my soul mate. 2 months ago it became official and we have been serious 2 months now. You see Joy I have always dated but I never introduced my son to anyone unless I new it was serious. He would always make comments about how he wished that I would love someone and have someone in my life. Now that day has arrived and he is so happy that we have R. in our lives. My son's state of mind is very important to me and as much as he expresses that he is happy for me....I feel that I have to some what cut the cord....for one he always slept with me and I feel that now some things need to change and at the same time this is all new to me and I need help making sure that I don't make him feel that I'm pushing him to the side. I also find myself feeling guilty at times when we stay over R.'s house and I tell my son that he has to sleep on the couch...he understands and listens but why do I feel guilty...at the same time I feel that I have to exclude him from the bed area and not only because of intimacy but I want him to learn that what I and R. have is different from what my son and I have without feeling that I'm hurting him....I hope I somewhat make sense....but I'm trying to process everything myself since this is all new to me as well.

E. (son's father) and I dated back when I was 12 and it lasted until I became pregnant with my son at age 19. E. was very abusive emotionally, mentally and physically. The day I gave light to my son was the day I realized that I didn't want that kind of life for my son and left behind us...it was the longest breakup because his dad would not except it...he's been in and out of jail all his life and every time he was out I went through many orders of protection to keep him away from us and remain safe. That finally ended after my son turned 2. E. has been in and out of jail ever since. Last year in December, L. seen his dad for the first time in 3 yrs...but he never forgot his dad. At first he would see him every weekend then that changed to every other weekend and now he barely looks for him. he doesn't even call which it is disappointing only because my son waits and hurts for him. My son even makes comments like "I wish my dad was a good dad" I never bad mouth his father, I always believed that L. would learn what type of man his father is on his own. And I think that he's learning that now....

His father is not the best role model nor influence...as the matter of fact he's not a good father at all. He's been in and out of my son's life and at time's doesn't even look for him. My son is always talking about his dad to R. and I'm trying to understand what's behind it...not that it's wrong but I just need to learn how to help him. My son has been deprived of a man figure in his life that even when his dad was around...it was always about entertainment. My son has no respect for his dad nor is there discipline when he's with him but he loves him so much. My son only expects to be entertained when he's with his dad and then return to me there after. Since I am his foundation we have a routine that involves daily activities such as work, school, homework, dinner, shower, and bed time.

The way I describe it to my son is that I'm his general and he's my soldier and we are a team. We both have to work together to accomplish our goals. He doesn't have that with his dad. L. (my son) has been in such an emotional roller coaster with his dad that I feel I have to make a decision between what my son wants and what best for him...and right now I feel that not having his father in his life would be best for him...he's hurt him to much and it hurts me to see my son so disappointed. I never planned on falling in Love when I did but I know we are going to have a wonderful life with R. and R. wants to do whatever possible to become a family and it means so much to him that L. doesn't resent him now or in the future. We've even been reading books a child behavior but we need all the help we can get. I love them both very much...and I want to learn how to deal with whatever is coming our way... Joy, I just want to be a good mom and keep a healthy and happy relationship with my son and R....can you please give me some advice ? Am I doing anything wrong ? Sincerely & With Much Conviction, B.G."

A:

"In reply to B.G., thank you for a wonderful Email. Reading your Email, I agree to almost everything that you have to say or think. Especially, the way you handle your son & your ex situations. I can't even think of a better way.

First, let's look at your son at home. He's seven years old and it's OK when you try to let him sleeping on his bed, not with you. Sooner or later you have to cut the cord right? You are feeling guilty because you're afraid of hurting your son feeling. Again, you have been such a wonderful mom to your son. I'm sure with enough explanation, love, & support. Your son will love you even more & be more understanding with your new partner in life.

Second, R., your new partner. It seems to me that he's a great man. He seems like a very understanding person that willing to take care both of you & your son. How often, you meet a man or a person like that in life? Not too often I must say. You're wise enough to see how good R. is to you & your son. Time to move on with life. Time to enjoy life with R. & your son at the same time. Let's R. play with your son, talk to him, read him bed time stories, and show your son more love & support. That's the best way to reach your son. I'm sure your son will adore R. as much as you do eventually.

Third, your ex - the father. As you mentioned, he is in and out of jail. You have done many things to protect your son from his father. You did the RIGHT thing Brenda. Again, it hurts to hear your son wish that his dad was a good dad. And you never bad mouth about it. I totally understand that from my own experience. I was around 5 or 6 at the time. My mother never said 1 bad thing about my biological father. As I'm growing up & seeing things around me. Compare what I didn't have from my biological father as my friends did... I just know... Kids with single parent families grow faster & mature faster than those who have both parents... And a few years later, my mother found my stepfather. I didn't like it at first, but seeing how great he took care of my grandma and my mom. My heart melted and I grew to love my stepfather more and more with all respect. Now and then, when things when wrong, I wish my biological father was around... Then I realized that was only a wish... I wish he could, but he can't.... And that is reality... It's very easy to produce a baby, but it's a very difficult task to raise a child with love, support & care. You & R. do just that. You are a great mother and you have made all the right decision. I can't tell you what to do with your ex, but you know what to do... What best for your son... Follow your heart & mind at the same time... Protect him...

Last but not least Brenda, you seem to do everything the right way and the way that any wise & loving mother would do. Now is the New Year has arrived. I hope this will be a good year for you to start building this relationship of three - your son, R. & you. I wish you the best & please drop me a line sometimes to see how your son is doing. Remember, you are a great Mom & your son love you dearly. Don't ever forget that!"