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Sing Your Own Song
Mom's House, Dad's House
The Single Mother's Survival Guide
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"QUESTION
ABOUT AN ABSENT FATHER"
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From
Stephanie M.
It's really sad to tell your kid how his/her father left them.
This is just another true story of one of our SingleMom.com visitors
like you.
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I have a two and ½ year old daughter named
Hayley. She just recently started asking questions about her father, who
left when I was still pregnant. Although Hayley has never met her
father, she realizes that other children do have fathers and she has
become very curious about that.
About two months ago she asked "where's Hayley's daddy?"
(She commonly refers to herself in third person!) My reply was simply,
"he's gone." Ever since then, she has told me every few days
that her daddy is gone. One day, on our drive home from day care she
even told me, "Hayley will have a daddy one day." I later
found out that her teacher told her this after Hayley repeatedly said
her daddy was gone.
The latest question about him was just this week. We were driving to
day care, talking about different people and their names when she asked,
"What's Daddy's name?" At first I didn't know what to say but
I quickly realized that I did NOT need to lie to her, so I told her the
truth.
I know I shouldn't worry about something that hasn't happened yet but
I really want to be as prepared as possible for her next question. My
biggest fear is the day she asks why he's gone. I can handle the
question about where he is because I can honestly say that I do not
know. But, I do know why he left and that is not information I want
to share with a toddler. I would like to talk to her about why he left
before she asks me just so I can be prepared but I'm not sure if that's
a good idea or not. And, I still don't know what to tell her. Please
help!
It may help you to know the real reason he left (maybe there is
someway it can be translated in to "2-year old.") We had been
dating for about a year but only living together for 3 months when I
found out I was pregnant. At first, he was excited and I was scared to
death. Slowly, those feelings flip flopped (I started to get more
excited and he started to get more scared.) I knew he was feeling that
way but we were talking openly about it and I thought things were
getting better. Then, one evening, I came home from work and he was
gone. I had no idea where he was and all of his belongings were gone as
well. After about 4 months went by, he called and wanted to try again
with our relationship. Being scared of single motherhood, I was willing
but he ended up leaving again. I have not heard from him since then.
From Melanie:
I really don't have any advice to give you, but I am in the same
situation. My daughter is 4 (in august), she hasn't seen her daddy since
Dec of 99'. She used to ask to see pictures of him and I would show her.
All of the sudden she stopped asking. What I did was I threw away all
the pictures of me and her daddy but kept all the ones of her and daddy
so when she gets older at least I'll have those. My situation is a
little different then yours, we split up when she was 6 months and we
tried to work things out but he got to caught up in his other life drugs
and everything else that comes along with that life style. I just
couldn't take it anymore. All the lies and watching her sit in the
window crying for him told me that was the end, I wasn't going to let
him hurt her anymore. He made some pretty bad threats towards me which
lead me to a restraining order and it was for the best. It upsets me a
lot that "daddy" isn't in her life and sometimes I feel that
what I am doing is right but at other times I feel it is wrong. Someday
I'll have to explain and what do I tell her. She cries every now and
then that she misses daddy but I wonder how she can when she hasn't seen
him in so long. Does she really know who daddy is? It is hard and
I wonder if it will get any better or easier. I wish I had some
advice for you. Just do what you think is right and what is best for
your little girl. Good luck, Melanie.
From Rbekah:
I have three children (8,7 and 3). They haven't had there father for a
very long time. Really only my oldest kind of remembers him. When
they ask me about there dad I tell them the truth (that he decided he
didn't want to be a daddy). I follow that with an assurance that it
wasn't because he didn't love you (even though it may have been), but
that he just didn't know how to be one.
I spoke to a councilor about all of this. I told him that I was
concerned that there life would be terrible because they don't have a
"dad" or father figure. He immediately said with out
hesitation." Don't you ever think such a thing". "Society
has built that thought process into you", "You can do
everything that a dad could do and I want you to believe that".
"As long as you are giving your children love and fair discipline,
they will be FINE".
It was soooooo nice to hear a professional say that. And I have decided
to agree with him. Also, I saw this on another site that I visit and it
really gave me peace. I Hope it will do the same for you.
"Dear Single Mother,
You are a single mother, and I know it is not what
you expected or planned for, but it is something I understand. I have
walked through this with you from the very beginning, and I am with you
now. I know there are times when you are lonely, but remember that you
are never alone. I know there are things that cause you worry and
anxiety, but I want you to know that I have promised to provide for you
and meet your needs. I want you to trust Me with your children). I will
be a Father to them, and they will never go anywhere that is outside the
coverings of My love. I want you to trust Me with your future. I will do
what is good and what is best. When things are shaking I will keep you
steady...When things are hurting I will heal the pain...When things are
uncertain I will be your guide...When things are unclear I will be your
Wisdom...when things are overwhelming I will be your strength...when
things are dark I will be your light...when things are hectic I will be
your rest. It brings Me great pleasure to know your heart is trusting in
Me. Keep On in My Strength, Keep On in My Joy, Keep on in My Peace, Keep
On in My Love. Love, Jesus."
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