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"I will not give her lessons until she
changes her attitude and apologizes to me."
My daughter's coach, Nancy Ruedebusch,
had a reputation for not taking any guff from her ice-skaters. She
expected her skaters to be gracious competitors and to have a good work
ethic. She was more concerned about their character development than
about their performance on the ice. She had coached top competitors,
including some who even competed in the Olympics.
So it was a shock to hear my husband say,
"I will never take her again!" as he returned with our
daughter Laurie from an ice-skating competition. Disappointed with her
skating performance, Laurie had lashed out at her coach for what she
felt was bad advice Nancy had given her. That's when Nancy, angry at
Laurie's outburst, issued her ultimatum.
Our relationship meant more to us than a
sport
The three of
us—mother, child, and coach—had worked together for several years.
Our relationship meant more to us than a sport. It included the
spiritual development of Laurie's character. Now, what part should I or
could I play to help resolve this falling out between Laurie and Nancy?
Whenever Laurie skated I saw a smooth
flowing elegance. She'd even once won a good sportsmanship award at a
training camp. I kept thinking that it wasn't right that my daughter or
Nancy could lose their grace or their good feelings for each other. And
my desire to restore that sense of grace was the basis of my prayers.
I remembered Laurie's first USFSA
Regional competition as a grade school student where Nancy had been
there for her one-on-one. I pictured them talking together on the
bleachers before my daughter went out to skate. That was the beginning
of a closeness that was very special. Their relationship was built on
mutual trust, respect and caring, which are important spiritual
qualities.
But at first Laurie seemed to enjoy being
away from Nancy. She liked coming home on the bus, having a snack, and
calling her friends on the phone or having them over, which she never
had a chance to do when she skated every day.
She wanted to
resolve the conflict
Eventually, though, she got antsy.
She said, "I've got to practice or I won't be able to keep landing
my jumps." I felt that there was more to this than wanting to skate
again. She wanted to resolve the conflict.
I drove our daughter to the rink, but
Nancy ignored her. Laurie skated, but she was miserable. After a few
more days of this, I thought it was time for me as the mother to try to
play the role of peacemaker.
As I pondered and prayed about how to
help, I found good advice in Science and Health with Key to the
Scriptures, a spirituality book I read daily. The author Mary Baker
Eddy writes, "What we most need is the prayer of fervent desire for
growth in grace, expressed in patience, meekness, love, and good
deeds."
I felt we all had the desire to grow in
grace. So obviously we needed to cultivate being more patient, meek, and
loving, and to do good deeds. I've come to see that these attributes
come to each of us from God who is Love. I prayed for opportunities to
express these attributes.
One day I called Nancy and said,
"We've been friends too long for this to go on. We need to
talk." She replied, "I'm disappointed and embarrassed about
the way Laurie acted, but I'm willing to talk now."
On the drive to Nancy's house my daughter
told me, "I just don't know what to say to her."
"I think of both of you as good people
who express grace."
We talked about what had happened.
She said, "I'm frustrated with myself and with her. I didn't think
I could live up to all her expectations." This is when I shared
with her, "I think of both of you as good people who express grace.
That means being loving. You can do that. Nancy can, too. She has been
loving to you so many times."
Laurie thought for a bit then quietly
answered, "I'll do my best to be gracious when we talk."
Nancy opened the door and invited us to
sit down together in her formal living room rather than in the cozy
family room we had visited in many times before.
My daughter launched with, "I'm
truly sorry for getting angry with you after the competition. I hope
you'll forgive me." Nancy thawed a little. Laurie continued,
"I was just so disappointed in my performance, and I was afraid I'd
disappointed you, too. Sometimes I feel that you expect too much of
me."
Ice-skating is about learning and living
live lessons.
Nancy, slowly warming up, said, "Laurie, ice-skating
is about learning and living life lessons. Like, how to stick with
something when the going is rough. It's in valuing yourself as an
individual."
"When I skate I try to skate for the
joy of it," Laurie said. "I just got so upset that I forgot
about all that."
I could see the tension ease as kind
words passed between them. Both agreed that grace on and off the ice was
important. Nancy forgave Laurie for blowing up, and Laurie forgave her
coach for ignoring her at the rink. By the time we left all three of us
hugged each other, and they said in unison their traditional sign-off:
"See you on the ice!"
That was nine years ago. My daughter
continued with her coach and passed all of her ice-skating tests until
she became a senior level skater. Today they seek each other's advice in
ice-skating and personal matters, and all three of us are close.
That experience helped me to learn how to
discipline my emotions.
Not long ago, I asked Laurie and Nancy about the
incident. Laurie said, "That experience helped me learn how to
discipline my emotions. Even now that I'm not skating, my coach is still
someone I look up to and turn to for advice."
Nancy told me, "That was a major
turning point in our relationship. Laurie is a remarkable young woman.
She has taken all of her opportunities and made the most of them. She
was a very positive and big influence in our skating program by being a
peacemaker who always considered the feelings of her friends."
Laurie is currently teaching seventh
grade science in an inner city school after earning her master's degree
in secondary education. She said, "I am trying to pass along to my
students what I learned from ice-skating: being gracious, working hard
and always setting and reaching for your goals."
I'm glad the spiritual lesson took hold.
It's a lesson that continues to bless others, too.
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