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When my first child was born, I was
overwhelmed with obsessive fears for her safety and terrible nightmares
about being unable to protect her from unseen dangers. I had worked
closely with infants and young children for a number of years as a
teacher, so my fears had nothing to do with a lack of understanding
about how to care for her.
When we brought our baby home two days
after her birth, I was fearful about leaving her alone. She was
perfectly healthy and slept peacefully, but I felt it was necessary to
sleep in her room with her. It was not out of a desire to be close to
her, but out of an irrational fear that something would happen to her if
I left—she would stop breathing or be kidnapped—and that if I was
close I could somehow save her. I never spoke to anyone else about my
fears, and in the bustle and normal change in our life that a new baby
brought it simply went unnoticed by my husband
It suddenly occurred
to me that what I was feeling was not normal or helpful .
When she was about
four weeks old as I sat by her crib one night, it suddenly occurred to
me that what I was feeling was not normal or helpful. What was I doing?
Was I going to sleep by her crib forever? It was like I was viewing my
behavior through someone else's eyes and could see it for what is really
was—obsessive and unreasonable.
Since I had been raised to know that I
could turn to God for every need in my life, I already felt a strong
spiritual relationship with Him. I had found physical and emotional
healing through prayer many times. A favorite hymn, based on a poem by
Mary Baker Eddy about God's nearness and care, came to mind. The first
verse filled me with a sense of calm and peace.
Gentle presence, peace and joy and
power;
Life divine, that owns each waiting hour,
Thou Love that guards the nestling's faltering flight!
Keep thou my child on upward wing to-night
I had experienced that feeling of God, of
Life and Love, in my most troubled times. The understanding that God's
gentle presence and loving care are always with me has often lifted my
thoughts out of despair, pain and fear so that I can acknowledge His
power in my life.
That night, I began to understand better
that God, who is divine Love, is ultimately responsible for the care of
each of His children—and that included both this baby and me. Neither
one of us was ever out of His care. My protection and mothering of her
could embody God's mothering and protection, just like the line of that
hymn: "Keep thou my child on upward wing to-night."
That type of care is never obsessive but always strong, secure.
That type of care is never obsessive
but always strong, secure—expressing peace. God had provided us with
this child to love, and I could always know just what care she genuinely
needed by trusting in His directions as I listened daily for guidance.
Caring for her should be a pleasure and a blessing for us both instead
of a burden or stressful experience.
For the first time since she arrived, I
felt enough freedom to get up, climb into my own bed, and fall asleep
peacefully singing that hymn in my head. The nightmares became less
frequent and soon faded altogether. From that moment on, I never again
felt those obsessive fears, even when we went through some challenging
times when she was a toddler.
Now she is a joyful and song-filled
seven-year-old with a preschool-aged sister. As these children grow
older, there are now many times when they are out of my direct care, but
I am able to be at peace because I am confident that they are always in
God's care. |
