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Technically, I was totally prepared for the
arrival of my first daughter. But inside I felt
clueless and inadequate. Somehow the fact that I
had already changed thousands of diapers and given
other parents hours of advice now meant nothing.
Even a master’s degree in early childhood
education and years of day care and preschool
teaching did not prepare me for the reality of my
beautiful Amanda.
I expected myself to be perfect and have all the
answers. Wrong! Sleep deprived and frazzled, I did
a lot of crying those first months of her life.
However, I slowly learned that although my own
efforts weren’t always successful, when I prayed
about a frustrating situation I was able to soothe
both of us. I’m humbly grateful that I’ve learned
to handle the chaos from a more spiritual
perspective.
I was
reminded of those early frustrations and triumphs
when we recently re-watched Steve Martin’s 1989
classic Parenthood. This is a must see for
anyone with kids, but I fell in love with it long
before ours arrived. Martin plays Gil Buckman, a
father of three who still clings to the
unrealistic dream that if he just does everything
perfectly he will have “strong, happy,
confident kids.”
Gil's anxiety with every little problem tugged at
my heart.
The movie weaves through Gil’s life a variety of
different parenting issues as we meet his siblings
and their kids. To me the most inspiring was his
sister (beautifully played by Dianne Wiest who won
an Oscar for this role) who presented a moving
tribute to every single parent who has struggled
to raise teenage children. And then there’s Gil’s
father, who is confronted with his own
shortsightedness and its effects on his now grown
children, such as Gil’s obsession with perfect
parenting.
Gil’s anxiety with every little
problem tugged at my heart. He is just trying so
hard to make it all perfect. And sadly he
magnifies each trouble while ignoring all of the
good around him. “Life is messy!” says his wife
Karen. Gil hates messy. He hates the
“rollercoaster ride” of life and feeling out of
control.
I agree that life is messy—and
sometimes total chaos when you are dealing with
children in the mix. And this movie reminded me
how much like Gil I used to be—wanting everything
to be organized and perfect.
This love is reflected in every parent's desire to
do right .
What helped me deal with the messes of
life, and supported me immensely in those first
few tearful months of motherhood, was turning to
my own spiritual Parent—my Father-Mother God. When
issues came up with Amanda, as they will with any
child no matter how prepared you think you are, I
got in the habit of listening quietly for what
God, as the Mother of us both, had to recommend.
And be it a nightmare, skinned knee, or sniffly
nose, by thinking about our relationship with this
Father/Mother—our divine Creator who always cares
for and loves us—we found comfort.
This love is reflected in every parent’s desire to
do right by their children—to protect and support
them. In the movie, it was that love that helped
all the characters find happiness and peace. It is
really the healing agent that repairs marriages
and shattered relationships and supports the
desire to parent well under the most challenging
circumstances. Gil
finds a release.
Through patient loving, Gil finds a release from
his obsessive parenting fears. It reminds me of
the Bible passage, “Perfect love casteth out
fear.” And that doesn’t mean trying to be perfect,
but perfecting the art of loving—and the highest,
most perfect Love is God.
Gil finally grasps the fact that he personally has
very little control over how anything will turn
out. He may not have turned to a divine power like
I did, but he learns to enjoy the rollercoaster
and appreciate the love, albeit a bit off center,
of the family that surrounds him.
The real-world issues the Parenthood
characters face (and conquer through love)
confront many a parent. And, as I discovered, love
is the way to survive chaos and drama to find joy
and peace. |
