My
boyfriend -- who was bipolar and an alcoholic -- walked out the door on
Thanksgiving Day in 2000. His whereabouts? Unknown. In hindsight, I feel lucky
to be free of him. But I wasn't exactly prepared to be the 28-year-old single
mom of a
seventh-month-old baby.
My daughter
is going into first grade this fall, and I'm going on Year Six of Single
Motherhood.
According to
the U.S. Census Bureau, there are more than ten million single mothers whose
children under the age of eighteen still live at home. Being a single mom is
both fun and knotty; every day, there are new pleasures and pitfalls. But being
a single mom is not a problem or liability.
I recently
took a plunge into online dating for my first time. Before posting my profile, I
showed it to my best friend, who is also a single mom:
I am a warm and generous single mom who is looking for
a wholesome man…. What I enjoy: a good book, fresh berries, and holding hands.
I've put a lot of energy into exploring myself - have you?
"You've 'put
a lot of energy into exploring' yourself?" she said. "Do you mean to imply what
I think you do?"
"What?" I
said, clueless.
"Exploring
yourself, could also imply masturbation--"
"Oh."
I hadn't
quite thought about it that way. As usual, her judgment ruled the day.
But what my
profile really said in a nutshell is: I have a strong hold on single motherhood.
I make my living as a writer and an editor. I cook a mean veggie stir fry. I pay
the rent on time. I set limits with my daughter.
One of my
first dates is with Guy, a 44-year-old human resources consultant who has never
been married. His username on
Match.com is "Shining_Armor." He lives
with his dog. He's looking for a woman who truly wants to love and be loved, he
says.
I'm a sucker
for a good writer, and Guy is no exception. "I believe in love at first sight,
yet I am grounded enough to pay my bills on time," his profile says.
He asks: "Are
you able to let go of your grasp on the past and get lost in love?"
You bet I am.
I've finally
let go of my ex-partner. I hope. I have sole custody now. I also filed for child
support, which I'll never see, I know, but it was good to let the tears fall
over my calculations of diapers, groceries, rent, and preschool. The numbers
proved that he'd missed every point in my daughter's life: her first steps, her
first song, her first "I love you," her hair done up in little braids, her first
time writing her own name.
Now I'm going
on a blind date with a man who says his ideal relationship is "two complete
human beings who jump the hurdles of life together."
I'm ready to
jump, but I know the best thing for me is to take it one step at a time.
Life as a
single mom has enough pressure as it is, with all the demands on my time and
energy: my daughter's hair and teeth brushed, school lunch made, underwear
clean, permission slip filled out. Then it's my turn. Add to this the pressure
of finding childcare for the night, taking a shower, ironing my clothes, getting
dressed, putting on some lipstick.
That's enough
to make a woman lose it. And that's before I even arrive on my date. Yes,
parenting alone can be complex, messy, and draining. But it is not a disgrace.
About
Author:
Rachel
Sarah - Author/Speaker/Coach
Rachel
is the romance columnist for San Francisco's
j the Jewish news weekly.
Her column on single motherhood and dating, "Single Mom Seeking," appears on
Literary Mama. Her
writing has also appeared in Family Circle, Parenting, Tango,
Ms., BabyCenter and Christian Science Monitor. Rachel
lives in the Bay Area California with her six-year-old daughter, where she also coaches
singles to find the love of their lives.
Rachel Sarah's first book,
Single Mom Seeking: Play
Dates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World
— will be out this November
(Avalon/Seal Press).
Please
visit her website at
www.SingleMomSeeking.com.
What's your Single Mom Manifesto? I'd love
to hear it! Please write to me at:
Rachel@singlemomseeking.com
