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By Michele Germain
www.thejillprinciple.com
What happens when you interact with your former spouse? Are you angry,
fearful, upset and defensive? Or are you centered, focused and
neutral? Are you proactive or reactive? Do you have your business hat
on, or are you the scream machine? Are you reminded of your unresolved
feelings you are still harboring? Do you find yourself upset the rest
of the day after an interaction? Are you worried about the children
and wondering how they are going to do with the divorce or breakup? You
look ahead and realize you have a job to finish. Raising your
children. And this requires a relationship with your former spouse. It
is called co-parenting post divorce.
Recent research indicates that divorce itself may not be damaging to
children. Rather, the on-going conflict, anger and unresolved feelings
that are exhibited by one or both parents create a great deal of
distress in children. Especially when they are put in the middle, and
witness conflicts and arguments or hear you talk negatively about the
other parent.
Unless you have been in an abusive relationship, it is better for the
children if both parents participate in the child’s life in a
cooperative manner. Children can adjust to a variety of living
patterns, including living in two homes. The process is more effective
if the parents are working together and are focused on the children’s
healthy development. Parents must put their emotional pain aside while
they are coming together to discuss, support and respond to the needs of
the children.
You might now be saying, how in the world am I going to talk in a
business like manner when I feel like exploding every time I see
him/her? Because of the children you must stretch and force yourself
beyond your normal comfort zone. This will require you to work out your
pain in the presence of others so you can be with your ex-spouse in a
non-reactive business-like manner. In my personal experience it helps
to connect with your spiritual self so that you have the strength to
come from your heart. The mission is to build a bridge with your ex
spouse and raise healthy, secure children. The results are more likely
to be:
·
You will
develop greater strength and empower yourself.
·
You will
become truly free. Freedom comes when you know longer react to your
former spouse, not when you avoid him/her.
·
You will
heal your pain because as long as you are angry you stay attached.
·
Your
children will develop feelings of stability and will be less likely to
feel abandoned.
·
Children
will be less likely to divide their loyalties, or try to meet the social
and emotional needs of their parents by trying to replace the parent.
·
You will be
modeling healthy behavior for your children.
Now the
question becomes how do I put this into practice? How do I connect and
maintain a conflict free, business relationship with my “ex” when my
body, heart and mind get triggered into fear, anger and disgust every
time I connect. Here are seven strategies to help you reach this goal:
1.
Most experts suggest that a signed co-parenting agreement is
helpful. Here you would state the intention, the appropriate behavior
when coming together and how you will make decisions. It will also
state that past marital issues will not be discussed, insults,
attacking, blaming will not occur. Other issues in agreement can
address, what will happen in an emergency? How you will handle
discipline, childcare, doctors, emergency issues etc. The agreement can
be periodically evaluated and adjusted to meet the present needs of
parents and the children. Both parents should sign this.
2.
Depending on the age of your children, structure regular meetings
with your former spouse either by phone or in person.
3.
Before of after a meeting or phone contact, it is important to
process your feelings of anger, frustration and sadness with
someone. Seeing or talking to your former spouse can restimulate old
pain.
4.
Consider taking an assertive training course. Do not pit will
against one another and engage in power struggles or be competitive with
your partner. This is dysfunctional behavior, not assertiveness. Try to
negotiate a middle ground by accepting each other’s differences of
opinion. There is more than one way to meet the needs of your children.
5.
Honor your limits and what is reasonable for you to expect
yourself to do. Be aware that children of every age will try to
manipulate parents into getting what they want.
6.
Encourage and be involved with helping your children pick out
presents to celebrate the other parent’s birthday, holidays, etc.
Maintain a relationship with both parents is in the child highest good.
7.
Contact an experienced relationship coach or therapist to help
work through problem areas. A third person is at times necessary in
moving through emotional blocks and conflicts that may occur.
Building a bridge occurs with one brick at a time. And, the bridge you
build will reflect the life you lived. Be patient and loving with
yourself as you embark on this journey called co-parenting to raise
healthy, secure children. It will require courage, honesty and a
connection to your spiritual essence.
About
Author:
Michele Germain,
author
of
The Jill Principle: A Woman's Guide to Healing Your Spirit after Divorce
or Breakup, has a master’s degree in social work from Wayne State
University and is licensed as a Clinical Social Worker and Marriage
Family Therapist in California. She is a Certified Bioenergetic
Analyst, offering an approach that resolves the emotional pain remaining
in the body, increasing the individuals well being and capacity for
pleasure. She conducts workshops and seminars on a variety of mental
health topics and life changing issues. She has appeared on radio,
cable television and in print media, and has lectured aboard major
cruise lines such as the Pearl and Royal Caribbean. For more information
and to sign up for her free newsletter visit
www.thejillprinciple.com.
