My Daughter is spoiled - yes, rotten!

by Leah D Crow

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        My Daughter is spoiled - yes, rotten! I can't help it I love her so very much and she is such a fantastic person I'm easily inclined to do things for her. At her worst she still displays positive / loving characteristics and this year has been very special watching her grow into a mature responsible young girl, I have watched my daughter forgive and love when people she loves hurt her or others around her - I have watched her and heard her as she has reminded adults around her of right and wrong. I have been there with her when one adult tried to make her feel dumb and watched her step up to the challenge and prove she wasn't and I marveled in the way she handled that person with forgiveness and strength to stay and face that person daily anyway. She didn't run away from the hurt. I reveal in the moments she has made the most unselfish statements like - "It's ok if I'm not the teachers favorite that doesn't mean anything about who I am". Her self-confidence and fortitude have been pushed and challenged all year and she has grown and proven herself at each turn. She has the challenge of dealing with a single parent daily - an unhealthy one at that; She has gained my trust and respect by doing her chores and following rules of the house - I do spoil this little girl but if any little girl ever deserved it, it is her.

        Her daily routine - wake up get ready for school on her own, get her lunch ready, clean up her bedding form the night before, go to the bus stop (school), come straight home get a snack and do homework - after homework she cleans up and then can watch TV. When I get home we discuss dinner and go over homework perhaps run any errands needed. Then before bed she gets her clothes ready for school the next day and starts her lunch to make the next morning easier. She gets a snack before bed and goes to sleep about 8:30. Sounds like she takes care of herself right? Well, she does take care of herself allot and she takes care of me some too. See it works better for us this way - I used to get her clothes ready and make her lunch - but she wouldn't like what they were half the time - this way she takes responsibility for her choices and it helps her remember when we are grocery shopping what we may need for her lunches and if she forgets to put her favorite jeans in the laundry room she can only be mad at herself. Here's the great thing about it - she loves to eat anyway so this way it doesn't go to waste and it is enjoyed - it helps me time wise and gives her what she wants - it's a WIN WIN compromise! But to anyone outside the picture it might seem like I either spoil her by letting her eat what she wants or that I am lazy and won't even make her lunch for her. It's just me and her - so why argue and stress over something so little - I have to tell you some of her choices are better than I would have made one day she took a salad with carrot sticks, fruit rollup and a yogurt; another day she took cooked ham and applesauce. Now most days she takes peanut butter and jelly or a lunchable and she astounds me with "if I take peanut butter and jelly I need to balance that with fruit or vegetables" and will pack a fruit or carrot sticks. She doesn't eat chocolate and would rather have a fresh fruit popsicle than most anything. So tell me, it kind of sounds like she is spoiling me, now doesn't it.

        Many single mothers have the normal stress of dealing with a child learning and expressing their independence - I found the trick - set guidelines together listen to their point of view with the understanding that it may not change the rule but it may bend it enough to give them that independence they are struggling for. Many kids today are scared to speak their minds, to express intelligent thought as it is not openly accepted and considered disrespectful for a child to presume to tell an adult how to do something. This is so wrong on so many levels! There is a time and a place for everything - even a time to listen to your child's point of view. If you have a child that can not hold a logical conversation with you it is probably because you haven't taught them to do so. I started early with my daughter - She might ask me a silly question or interrupt something I was doing with goofiness - and I would stop and answer her then I would remind her to stop herself and ask herself the question first. Just the other day we were driving down the street - from the back seat I heard her say "Is Libby coming with us to Caitlin's house?" Honestly, I wanted to say what do you think in a sarcastic voice. But instead I said "well yes - Can you think about this question for minute - Libby is in the car with us, we are driving across town, and where else would she be while we are at Caitlin's" - She had no response for a few seconds then I hear - "that's a good point I should have thought my question through better". If done in a manner of helping her learn to think and not a in Geez are you dumb tone, this works - I don't get as many of the silly questions and she is learning to resolve and answer many of her own issues. As she gets older she gets more logical and we have better conversations - I save time not dealing with silliness and I save stress from being interrupted by them without stifling her need to ask.

        It comes back to being a single parent - time management is never easy with young kids and all the school projects, plays, sports, friends, parties, etc.... So break it down - some things they can and will gladly handle for you. They feel grown and like you trust and respect them. Play it up! I have told her several times "if you break my trust one time you will have a very hard time getting it back so you have to careful what you do". So many single parents feel they have to do it all - they get the clothes ready, fix the lunches, clean the house, cook the food, work full time, do the soccer mom thing, and way too much for me to try to list - but then things get missed or neglected or done half way - like homework and teaching your child valuable life lessons. Famous words of that kind of a mom - "Because I said so!", "Just do it!", "What do you mean you have to have a costume for the play??" If that happens in my house she knows it's her fault for not communicating with me. We don't argue over those things when they happen - we just work together to get them done as a team. If "Because I said so" ever comes out of my mouth she knows she has pushed the limits of compromise and we went back to step one and I get my way with no compromise, this trick has taught her quickly to accept the compromises and handle things with a calm, respectful nature. Tantrums and crying will get everything taken away. My child is far from perfect but she is fantastic. Me on the other hand - far from perfect to say the least! Some say I spoil her too much and others say I am too hard on her - My saving grace here - If you ask her she is loved so much by her mommy that she knows being punished is a learning experience and her greatest reward is our relationship. All the material things mean nothing without each other there.

        I do recommend you start slow and build them up to this point it might backfire on you if you jump right in feet first. Maybe do this - see how they handle fixing there own lunch or just getting their clothes ready for the next day for a month. Then add another assignment. Now you may say my child cleans her room every morning before school - great you are on your way, now find one thing that is on your plate that you can slide onto theirs - I found teaching them to use the microwave to be a wonderful trick - the "I'm hungry" at 8pm cry went away fast when she learned to make popcorn herself. Now it's "mommy can I have some popcorn and do you want some also". What a treat I may be watching a show or have brought some work home and my girl brings me a snack tray made up of popcorn, pickle, soda and a note saying how much she loves me and a pretty little flower drawn on it to make me smile.

        So to my first sentence; My daughter is spoiled, yes rotten! But now do you see why! It's because she spoils me!
 

Contact info:
Leah Crow
5605 Brookhollow Ct
Sachse, TX 75048
lcrow69711@msn.com