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My daughter's coach, Nancy Ruedebusch, had a reputation for not taking any guff from her ice-skaters. She expected her skaters to be gracious competitors and to have a good work ethic. She was more concerned about their character development than about their performance on the ice. She had coached top competitors, including some who even competed in the Olympics.
So it was a shock to hear my husband say, "I will never take her again!" as he returned with our daughter Laurie from an ice-skating competition. Disappointed with her skating performance, Laurie had lashed out at her coach for what she felt was bad advice Nancy had given her. That's when Nancy, angry at Laurie's outburst, issued her ultimatum.
Our relationship meant more to us than a sport.
The three of us—mother, child, and coach—had worked together for several years. Our relationship meant more to us than a sport. It included the spiritual development of Laurie's character. Now, what part should I or could I play to help resolve this falling out between Laurie and Nancy?
Whenever Laurie skated I saw a smooth flowing elegance. She'd even once won a good sportsmanship award at a training camp. I kept thinking that it wasn't right that my daughter or Nancy could lose their grace or their good feelings for each other. And my desire to restore that sense of grace was the basis of my prayers.
I remembered Laurie's first USFSA Regional competition as a grade school student where Nancy had been there for her one-on-one. I pictured them talking together on the bleachers before my daughter went out to skate. That was the beginning of a closeness that was very special. Their relationship was built on mutual trust, respect and caring, which are important spiritual qualities.
But at first Laurie seemed to enjoy being away from Nancy. She liked coming home on the bus, having a snack, and calling her friends on the phone or having them over, which she never had a chance to do when she skated every day.
She wanted to resolve the conflict.
Eventually, though, she got antsy. She said, "I've got to practice or I won't be able to keep landing my jumps." I felt that there was more to this than wanting to skate again. She wanted to resolve the conflict.
I drove our daughter to the rink, but Nancy ignored her. Laurie skated, but she was miserable. After a few more days of this, I thought it was time for me as the mother to try to play the role of peacemaker.
As I pondered and prayed about how to help, I found good advice in Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, a spirituality book I read daily. The author Mary Baker Eddy writes, "What we most need is the prayer of fervent desire for growth in grace, expressed in patience, meekness, love, and good deeds."
I felt we all had the desire to grow in grace. So obviously we needed to cultivate being more patient, meek, and loving, and to do good deeds. I've come to see that these attributes come to each of us from God who is Love. I prayed for opportunities to express these attributes.
One day I called Nancy and said, "We've been friends too long for this to go on. We need to talk." She replied, "I'm disappointed and embarrassed about the way Laurie acted, but I'm willing to talk now."
On the drive to Nancy's house my daughter told me, "I just don't know what to say to her."
"I think of both of you as good people who express grace."
We talked about what had happened. She said, "I'm frustrated with myself and with her. I didn't think I could live up to all her expectations." This is when I shared with her, "I think of both of you as good people who express grace. That means being loving. You can do that. Nancy can, too. She has been loving to you so many times."
Laurie thought for a bit then quietly answered, "I'll do my best to be gracious when we talk."
Nancy opened the door and invited us to sit down together in her formal living room rather than in the cozy family room we had visited in many times before.
My daughter launched with, "I'm truly sorry for getting angry with you after the competition. I hope you'll forgive me." Nancy thawed a little. Laurie continued, "I was just so disappointed in my performance, and I was afraid I'd disappointed you, too. Sometimes I feel that you expect too much of me."
Ice-skating is about learning and living live lessons.
Nancy, slowly warming up, said, "Laurie, ice-skating is about learning and living life lessons. Like, how to stick with something when the going is rough. It's in valuing yourself as an individual."
"When I skate I try to skate for the joy of it," Laurie said. "I just got so upset that I forgot about all that."
I could see the tension ease as kind words passed between them. Both agreed that grace on and off the ice was important. Nancy forgave Laurie for blowing up, and Laurie forgave her coach for ignoring her at the rink. By the time we left all three of us hugged each other, and they said in unison their traditional sign-off: "See you on the ice!"
That was nine years ago. My daughter continued with her coach and passed all of her ice-skating tests until she became a senior level skater. Today they seek each other's advice in ice-skating and personal matters, and all three of us are close.
That experience helped me to learn how to discipline my emotions.
Not long ago, I asked Laurie and Nancy about the incident. Laurie said, "That experience helped me learn how to discipline my emotions. Even now that I'm not skating, my coach is still someone I look up to and turn to for advice."
Nancy told me, "That was a major turning point in our relationship. Laurie is a remarkable young woman. She has taken all of her opportunities and made the most of them. She was a very positive and big influence in our skating program by being a peacemaker who always considered the feelings of her friends."
Laurie is currently teaching seventh grade science in an inner city school after earning her master's degree in secondary education. She said, "I am trying to pass along to my students what I learned from ice-skating: being gracious, working hard and always setting and reaching for your goals."
I'm glad the spiritual lesson took hold. It's a lesson that continues to bless others, too.
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