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Recently I attended several NYC meetings, asking mothers, tryers and thinkers what advice they would give to women embarking on this adventure of single motherhood. Suggestions ranged from follow your heart to practical tips on finding babysitters.
First, for the thinkers
"I always knew I'd have a child regardless of my situation. Everything doesn't have to be in place. You don't have to have the right amount of money. It doesn't have to be the perfect situation or the perfect time. I always knew -- I'm a tryer because I ran up against the age barrier. I am planning my finances, wanting to be between jobs when the baby's born to spend time with the baby. Also, get a stable place to live before you become pregnant."
"Don't do this unless you re positive there's no other way you can have a child in your life, before your clock runs out."
"If money and an independent lifestyle are very important to you, maybe single motherhood isn't for you. Talk to mothers, project yourself into their lifestyle and then decide if it s right for you. The Thinkers Workshop was helpful-- it gave me perspective-- that everything didn't have to be perfect-- different circumstances can work."
Go to a Thinkers Workshop to hear detailed stories from mothers. It was helpful to me."
Gather as much information as possible, then follow your heart. Ultimately, it s an emotional decision."
Don't think about it-- just do it-- if you think too long, you won t do it."
Now for tryers
"Find a doctor you can work with who isn't prejudiced against single women."
"For those thinking of adoption-- you're more likely to get a baby from a shoemaker than from a relative or agency. In other words, get the word out. Almost everyone loses one-- it s good to know in advance."
"Think of adoption as a positive alternative of choice-- the love isn't any different. The issues are different, but the love is not."
"What's important is at the end of your pregnancy, go to a Lamaze class, it's the same as with couples. Network and pregnancy classes help because you see others going through pregnancy also. You have the same anticipations and the same fear-- it s comforting."
"Save a lot of money so things aren't overwhelming, so you can pay for cabs, take-out food and a caregiver. Get a lightweight, portable stroller immediately."
"Build a good support system-- family, friends. Sometimes it's hard for independent women to accept help-- well, accept it! Look at your work situation. Being self-employed has pros and cons-- no paid benefits, but if I want to take a day off to go to the pediatrician, no one complains. I'm not at work so I can watch him pull his socks off and no one complains I m late to work. It s always a trade-off."
Tips for new Moms were concrete and practical
"Hook up with a social service agency-- get advice-- take parenting classes, join La Leche League, get advice on day-care. Come to SMC meetings. Get practical advice. I learned about natural consequences, for example, of my daughter not wearing a jacket. And I learned about reflective listening. "
"I'm very lucky, I have a beautiful child but it s not an easy thing to do. It's expensive and my quality of life has gone down because of his school tuition. And, forget about men for a while."
"You have to be willing to make sacrifices and not feel deprived. I don t care if I don t get to see movies for a few years."
It has put me in the mainstream of society. I'm not just a single woman."
"Get enough sleep!"
"I wasn't prepared for my second child-- all the permutations of relationships. But it's the best thing I've ever done-- you can't appreciate in advance what you are doing, but don t let that stop you."
"Try to get your own bedroom so every tiny noise the baby makes doesn't wake you."
"I liked sharing my room with my baby. He needed the closeness."
"Find a babysitter that will play with the baby, enjoy the baby."
"For finding babysitters, put up signs, advertise in the Irish Echo, ask friends. Don't go through an agency because they charge a lot more money. Use word of mouth. Ask in prenatal classes, ask at the playground. Having had intermittent babysitting helps when you have to get a full-time sitter when you have to go back to work. My child is 6 months old and I'm finding it hard to let go."
"I know how you feel, I quit my job and started a business at home in order to stay with my child. Money is nothing compared to watching your child grow."
And some parting words
"Come to terms with the fact that your child won't be what you expect. He or she is a person in his own right and it s amazing to watch this person develop."
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