My name is Amanda. I come from a traditional and hard upbringing raised under the strictest circumstances, which are all mostly too gory to tell. I grew up being told that a “B” on my report card was not good and perfection was the only way to. Money and power was the root of all to my family. As kids we got beat brutally with the nearest objects in the house for every little thing from dirty looks to fighting with each other. My head must have been busted open more than 4 or 5 times. I have scars to this day from severe welts and cuts. I think the worst of it was when I had my tongue burned with a hot knife and was then made to chew raw peppers for yelling at my sister. I had the worst childhood and never enjoyed any of it.

 Basically I got my first job at 14 to help support my mom and two sisters. My father moved us to Florida so he could be in NY with his girlfriend. Our family always tried to portray the traditional Indian ways but from what we saw as kids, it was a hypocritical upbringing. There were plenty of lies and betrayals going on. Once we moved to Florida it is like they forgot us. We were on our own then and still are to this day.

My mother and I got our drivers license together when I was 15 and she was 35. I paid for school supplies and graduation needs for my sisters. I bought our clothing and paid for activities on the weekends on minimum wage while attending HS. My father flew down for graduation and cursed me out in front of the senior class because I was not Valedictorian. He used words like loser, whore and said things like I would never amount to be anything. From little I went everywhere with him and was a tomboy. It was like; once I hot puberty he hated me. I left home to avoid an arranged marriage that was going to make my father very wealthy. Believe it or not, I was raised very sheltered even though I went to school and worked. My mother sat outside school and work most of the time and worked overnight. I could not go to school functions and was not allowed to date or shave or have long nails or wear makeup. I was refused when I asked to go to prom and grad night so I missed out on that as well.

I noticed right around that time that something was going on with my mom medically but everything was a secret in my family. As the years passed she just seemed to age quickly and always was sick and up all night stressing. That stressed came back on us kids. I could not take it, I wanted out so bad to be normal and have a life where I could smile at least one day. I spent most of my adolescent years listening to Delilah (I’m sure you all know this famous Disc Jockey who tells the most inspiring stories). I moved in with some people from work without a plan after HS. My virginity was taken from me by one of the roommates in the worst possible way. I never told anyone until today. I got pregnant and my life spiraled after that.  I had a baby boy and did what I had to do. The father’s family treated me like “Cinderella”. They were always making me do chores and yelling at me for everything. He had many girlfriends and was very abusive. I was trapped for a while. I met someone else and took off eventually with repercussions. The family came after me and took my son and ran. I started getting really sick here and there.

 It was one thing after the next. I always had high bold pressure and caught everything going around because of stress. I had no health insurance so suffered through most of the problems. I could not afford a lawyer when my son was taken by his dad and the police was no help. His dad never had a place to live, no vehicle and could not hold a job. Through manipulation and begging I got my son back. I worked two jobs and went back to school for Medical secretarial at that time. My son was ADD, ADHD and many other medical needs presented themselves because his father did a lot of drugs.  I had to leave my jobs because he was always being sent home from school. I moved around a lot and tried to home school him the best I could. At 5 yrs old he was reading and doing math at a third grade level. He was in special classes for behavior so it held him back because he was always bored. The school was always in our home business and always tried to make me look bad for where his father could not make ends meet to help. We lived in a one bedroom with no furniture at first because I wanted to do it alone. I took the bus and taxi everywhere and walked when I had to. As time passed through hard work I go a nice three bedroom with my new boyfriends. With my mothers help cosigning for a vehicle, I got my first car at 22.

 From there it was work, work, and work. My boyfriend worked two jobs as well and was never home. We started fighting allot. It turned out he had many extracurricular activities outside the home. He was into inappropriate activities with the local gangs and moonlighted as someone else’s boyfriend. He figured as long as he took care of home I could not object to anything. We had a goof lifestyle but I was miserable. We never agreed on my son and he has one of his own he never saw. My family was good at reminding me what a screw up I was and I could not ask them for help. My mother helped when she could. Eventually the fights between me and the boyfriend got worse and worse, eventually they got really physical. At some point my son started acting out his anger on the teachers and students at school even more. He got so bad that I did everything the school and counselors said to. Nothing worked then they tried to tell me he needed a good and fashioned spanking. The counselors and school always assumed they knew best and would coerce my son into believing the things they said were true. They always were drilling him for information and he would come straight home and tell me. He was a happy, spoiled kid – but he was so hyperactive. Well the school reported me to the state saying I was abusing my son when I first spanked him. His step dad punished him and he was afraid to say so they came after me. I had a state attorney and with all the requirements and stipulations, since my son wanted to be with his father’s family- I felt tapped. I told them if they could do a better job then let them try it fir a while I was made to sign over rights and never have contact again. The only other option was to put him in foster care for a year till requirements were met.

 I did not want that to happen to him so he ended up in just as equally bad situation with his father’s family. I had a difficult labor with him and was told I would not have any ore children. Eight years later, I ended up pregnant right when I decided to leave the current loser after I lost my son. When my son was able to visit during the court process paperwork delay, he would try to hurt the baby and threatened to kill us all because he was jealous. He did not understand what was taking place and how he played a part in making it this way. At that point I had to do what was best for the baby. I was setting up a new job out of state and home. I was going to start over with both kids alone again. I was stupid to let myself get talked into a marriage at the courthouse and moving locally. Matters just got worse right along with his lies and cheating. September 11^th hit and we both lost our jobs. I attempted to go back to school again while we moved into my moms temporarily. I became a CNA after 3 months and started working the graveyard shift 4 days a week an hour and half from home. I would fall asleep driving home and still had to do chores and was working on my PCT at the same time.

My husband ended up leaving after 3 months; we supposedly had worked out an agreement. Well turns out after I helped him move and set up the apartment his girlfriend moved in the next weekend. He took the baby every other weekend and had this woman around herd without my knowledge sleeping in the bed together because he had no crib or playpen and said he did not need it. He took everything we owned out of storage and sold it. He took my vehicle and I ended up with the difference from the lease on my credit so it ruined my credit. All the credit cards he ran up and never paid ended up on my credit because was on it as unauthorized user. He refused to pay child support and only pays when they drag him in court two to three times a year.

He still sees his daughter every other weekend and has a nice lifestyle again thanks to me helping him start his construction business. Once I started dating again he got nastier towards me. We have had many fights and disagreements. I started my Bachelors at DeVry 2 yrs ago and have a year left. I live with my mother and at 30 yr old I cannot have people call or come by. If I go out I cannot come in late when I do not have my daughter. I could not find a job for so long because I kept getting told I was overqualified. I was a student worker at school for a couple of months and finally got a part time position in enrollment with benefits. I have dated the same person on and off but I seem to attract people that use me to fix them up for the next girl. I am tired and frustrated. The only highlights so far is I finally made Deans list this semester. I am always a point or two away. I do not sleep at night so I stay up doing homework. I go to school full time and take online and on campus classes. On the weekend I do things form mom or friends if needed.

 From what I make at work; one check alone goes to gas, toll and food ($800/month after taxes and insurance). After I pay car, cell phone and insurance I have no money left. My student loans run out next summer and I do not know how I will pay for the last semester of school Week to week I have to beg friends to watch my daughter so I can make it to work and class. I cannot afford daycare or a babysitter. I’m constantly on the go and do not know what the word relax means. If I have nothing to do, which is rarely- I make work for myself to not think so much about all the things that stress me out.  I tend to clean my friend’s places or cook for them just to stay occupied. I drive people around when necessary or take of their errands. I do not know how to say no and I guess people know that.

In the midst of all of this my personal relationship has its ups and downs like nay other. Men are men no matter how good or bad. We are supposed to get engaged this year and move by next year. We have tried to conceive but have had no luck. The problem is not me turns out. He has no medical insurance and works in construction with his family. Enough said there, half the time his check goes back into the company. Every time we think we are going to finally get ahead something bad happens. From me almost breaking my ankle to his hernia this year, we are both handicapped individual sin many ways right now.

I know there are people that have had worst situations or one like mine. If this does anything it will at least let women know they are not alone. My mother’s health has taken a turn for the worst now. She is in and out the hospital for tests all the time. She works there as well about 50-60 hrs a week. I think she has been getting cut lately because they have picked up on the fact that she is tired all the time. She cannot pay her bills so I cook for occasions on the weekends now for side money. I also started doing facials, hair and nails as well for friends and students form school. All that money goes to my mom. I basically work 7 days a week. In all of this I feel bad I do not get to spend more time with my four year old. She waits up for me at night and I take her with me everywhere on the weekends. She thinks it is fun of course. I feel she should be playing at the park or with other kids. I am a bit overprotective so I do not let her out of sight of she is not with me, her step dad or my mom. My best friends think it is not good behavior. They said she needs to learn and grow. I figure all this hard work will pay off and secure everything I need for her education and future. I cannot make up for lost time but I can thank my mom and her step dad for making up for what I am not there to see or do.

She seems okay with the routine and understand allot for such a young age. I do not lie to her about anything and I try to let her know what is going on and why whenever she questions things. 

She loves that if mommy keeps working hard and graduates we will be able to move into a new house with a pool for her, and she can have things she wants as long as she is a good girl. It will always be a struggle. Anything in life is. One day hopefully it will all fall into place. Regardless of what I have told and what I have left out, it is personal perseverance and dedication that helps us all. 

I try to go to the temple 2x a month because it is far from me. I am trying to refine the culture that I was ripped off and gain the knowledge I need so my daughter knows her heritage. 

Thank you for your time.