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PARENTING RESOURCES
Food for the Mind and
Soul—Emotional and Spiritual Sustenance
Part I of II
by
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer,
PhD.
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Humans need three types of sustenance to thrive—physical, emotional and
spiritual. Physical sustenance seems quite simple and readily available, yet as
I have written previously in this column, physical sustenance is complex,
multifaceted and needs to be managed based on each individual’s unique body
type, food likes/dislikes as well as allergies and sensitivities.
Because, we are human beings having
spiritual experiences and spiritual beings having a human experience and have an
ego, Emotional and Spiritual sustenance is as critical as food. Unfortunately,
emotional and spiritual sustenance is little understood, including by
professionals and seldom adequately provided during the maturation years. If
emotional and spiritual sustenance is inadequate humans arrive into adulthood
with a weak foundation to move through life with strength, empowerment, and
peace of mind, thus, people operate on a third of the sustenance they need.
Part I will focus on Emotional Sustenance. Part II
will focus on Spiritual Sustenance.
Emotional sustenance is derived
primarily through the parent/child relationship. The psyche needs to express,
process and resolve every experience as they occur. Thus, it is imperative
parents assist the child in this endeavor through the birth process and beyond.
The fact the psyche is impacted by all experiences was introduced by Drs. Lamaze
and LaBoyer in their method of peaceful child birth. Subsequently, professionals
learned one can be regressed to pre-birth and the birth to resolve those
problematic experiences.
Humans need emotional stimulation and
emotional sustenance from birth to death—the significant stage of life to
establish a strong emotional foundation is birth to five years. Once the
child’s emotional foundation is set, whether it is adequate or lacking, the
child will with some adjustments during the teen years, carry it into
adulthood. It has long been known that generally it takes a major event to
compel someone to seek any major changes from the emotional foundation set by
age five. Emotional stimulation is simple, yet complex as the child matures.
Hugging, touching, talking with (not at), and simply listening are all forms of
stimulation and emotional sustenance.
The skin is the largest sensory
organ, thus, touch is an essential form of emotional sustenance from birth to
death. Studies of children in orphanages in England during World War II
revealed that without adequate touch children become morose anaclitic
depression) and frequently die despite adequate nutrition and proper hygiene.
The most important guideline in touching your child is respecting your child’s
likes and dislikes regarding touch. When your child is non-verbal, you will need
to watch for signals, such as: wincing, squirming, holding their breath, or
crying to decide if the touch is disliked. Any sign of dislike or discomfort
needs to be respected and the touch ceased immediately, without hesitation.
Parents are responsible for
providing: Power, Protection, and Permission—Lending the child Power to get
done what needs to be done; Providing Protection from all harm; and Giving
Permission to take more and greater responsibility and risks as the child
matures. Protection and Permission go hand-in-hand. It is a psychological
fact of life that children are looking for limits, guidelines and boundaries
for their behavior. All children experiment, test and seek to discover what
the world has to offer and how what they do affects themselves and their
surroundings. Although, children protest loudly when limits are set, without
boundaries they feel out of control. Without limits, appropriate impulse
control does not develop. If children are unable to find limits, they
continue to push, becoming anxious when there seems to be no end to how far
they can go. With their immature, inexperienced egos and immature impulse
control as their only defense against the world, they unconsciously want
someone to stop them so that they can feel in control and, therefore,
secure.
Some parents feel guilty when their
child protests against the boundaries/family rules. Parents will either
appease or give in to assuage their guilt. Either way, everyone loses.
Appeasing or giving in to your child teaches the child that you don’t mean
what you say, or say what you mean. Appeasing or giving in catapults the
child into control. Consequently they lose respect and a false sense of
empowerment, which subsequently turns to feeling out of control.
Empathizing with the child for their plight in having difficulty with the
boundaries/rules provides emotional sustenance—we care enough about you and
your well being to enforce the boundaries/rules.
To effectively develop the foundation of
boundaries and impulse control, parents need to develop a plan based on the
child’s personality and age. Steps to enforce boundaries are:
· Pay attention to what works—teach what ‘To Do’, reward/praise good
behavior, time out, grounding, loss of activities/privileges, doing
chores.
· Be consistent and persistent.
· Take one step at a time.
· Know when to shift gears.
· Show your child love through talking to, (not at), hugging, praising and
reinforcing good behavior.
· Be open and honest with your child. Children are highly perceptive.
Children sense and know something is going on without being told.
Tell your child what is going on, or
if your child inquires about something, tell the child the truth, (within
their scope of understanding), but not necessarily all the details. Telling
‘white lies’ to protect your child doesn’t protect them, it only
causes damage to the relationship. Your child will lose respect or worse
assume she/he is untrustworthy, or not important enough to be told. If you
maintain the practice of telling your child everything, your child will tell
you everything too. A very important habit to foster for managing the teen
years.
When parents fail to set limits,
children (no matter their age) feel unimportant and unloved. Limits and
negative consequences for breaching them reassures the children they are
noticed and important. Children learn from the consequences of their
behavior. Behavior that is followed by positive consequences is maintained
or increased; behavior followed by negative consequences decreases or stops.
Unacceptable Behavior that is unchecked is maintained or increases as well.
About Author:
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer,
PhD. , specializes in family issues, including sexual
abuse, incest and physical abuse prevention and recovery, as therapist,
author, consultant, lecturer, and trainer. If I’d Only Known… Sexual
Abuse in or out of the Family: A Guide to Prevention is available at
a 20% discount direct from the publisher at
www.drdorothy.net
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D. is a regularly featured contributor
whose articles can be found under
Health/Health
& Wellness and
Features/Lifestyles.
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