Shaun, our 6-year-old, monopolizes toys, ideas for made-up story lines, and coveted places to sit (next to Dad at dinner, or on my lap when I'm reading a story). We have explained about sharing over and over. If we get angry and insist our son share, he gets frustrated and furious. We put Shaun in time-outs so he can think about how important it is to share with Samantha (age 4), Andrew (age 3), and friends. But we don't see much change. What can we do?

Answer: Why do you think Shaun tries to dominate his siblings and playmates? Pondering possible reasons for a child's excessive behavior sometimes produces clues about his needs. meeting these needs generally alleviates the problem.

        I use the word excessive because all young children sometimes have difficulties sharing, as do all adults; Shaun's behavior certainly isn't abnormal! Becoming frustrated and angry when thwarted is also normal. We all have to learn to handle this maturely. Stay calm. Don't add to the emotionality of the incident!

        You've explained often about sharing and taking turns, and still, Shaun seldom shares or takes turns. We can see what he needs and realize that the way he's behaving is his way of meeting these needs. Taking care of theses needs is a very powerful drive for Shaun-more powerful than his drive to do what it would take to please you.

        Shaun seems to be saying, "I can't share. I don't have enough. I need more." More what? We ask. It's unlikely that he needs more toys. I doubt that he needs more food or more sleep (how many children do we know yearn for more sleep?). Usually when a child needs more, it's more parental attention he craves.

GIVING CHILDREN WHAT THEY NEED EMOTIONALLY DOESN'T SPOIL THEM
Several years ago, when my oldest child, Julie, went through a spell of insisting on having the first story, the first turn, even the first piece of toast, I realized she wasn't feeling like the first child in my hearts, even if there are 15 siblings. It's the feeling of having enough love, of being special in one's parents' lives. Of course, Julie felt crowded-at age 4 she already had three younger siblings! So I set about making her feel special, not with platitudes ("You are special"), but by seeking more of her company and listening to her more.

        We started "private nights." Once a week, Julie got to stay up late is a cherished gift for most young children. I suppose to them it represents "getting big" because grown-ups seem to stay up late. (It's odd: Children fight betimes and naps, and parents wish for both.) All week Julie planned and re-planned every minute of her prized weekly half hour. It's amazing how happy we can make our children with such small accommodations. Sometimes we made chocolate pudding. Sometimes we played a board game. This was especially wonderful in her eyes because I wasn't a game player. Agreeing to play a game "because you want me to so much" was a testimonial to Julie's importance to me.

        Whenever possible, be authentic with children. There are occasional exceptions with an extremely hard-to-reach child. I remember my cousin Bar saying that one of her three young sons was interested in nothing but computers. Bar could not have been less into computers, but she felt strongly that communicating with her son in a way that was meaningful to him was the absolute priority.

        So my advice to you with Shaun, as I would say to all parents who are struggling with kids who don't share, is to give him one-on-one time regularly, share your time, turn yourself over to him a hundred percent, and warmly enjoy him.

WHEN YOU SHARE YOURSELF YOU'RE MODELING SHARING
Children learn through who parents are and what they do, not just through the instructions we incessantly bestow upon them. Lecture less, demonstrate more. (As for time-outs, I'm not a big believer in them unless a child is hurting other children and needs to be physically removed from them. How many children do you suppose sit in the time -out chair musing over their discretions and vowing to do better?)

        Make a point of sharing generously with Shaun and the others in the sharing role by inviting him to serve his friends snacks. Involve the family, including Shaun, in sharing projects: Serve dinner at a homeless shelter once a month, regularly help an elderly neighbor or a family with young children, walk someone's dog one day a week. Whenever a new toy comes into the house, decide together which old toy can be "shared with" (given to) "a child who doesn't have as many toys as we do." After discussion, decide on a charity and make a financial contribution, each family member giving at his own level.

ACCENTUATE THE POSITIVE
Your son may feel a need for more control in some major aspect of his life. Maybe he can't share possessions and take turns because he believes he doesn't have enough power; possessions and having one's way represent power. Give Shaun opportunities to make decisions and to take some sort of leadership role everyday.  Comment on how well he handles these responsibilities. At the end of any successful play episode, even if you had to step in, congratulate him on the specific times he did not dominate, even if there few and far between. Tell Shaun he can (name something he likes to do) because you're proud  that he's learning to cooperate with other kids.

        And in all child-guidance matters, tell your child frequently that he's growing up to be a good person, that you're proud of all the times he (does whatever it is correctly), and you know he'll (share, help his sister when she's hurt, whatever the situation) more easily next time. Give him a positive image of himself toward which he can aim.

About Author:
Polly Greenberg - Writer, Educator, and Author of "Oh Lord, I Wish I Was a Buzzard" children book
Polly Greenberg, former editor of the NAEYC's Young Children journal, has been a child/parent/staff development specialist for almost 50 years. She is the mother of five and the actively involved grandmother of 17. She has worked for the U.S. Department of Education, the Department of Health and Human Services, the War on Poverty, and other national programs.