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PARENTING RESOURCES

When a Parent Remarries

In the middle of a newly blended family, a child can feel adrift and alone by Adele M. Brodkin, Ph.D.

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THE PARENTS' STORY
       My marriage to Kyle's mother broke up before he was 3. It was a tough time for all of us. Kyle cried easily, had a lot of tantrums, and for a while forgot everything he'd learned about using the toilet.  In the first weeks after the separation, out little guy was clingy and constantly asking questions he already knew the answers to, such as "Why can't Daddy tuck me in tonight? or if he was with me, "Why can't Mommy read me my story tonight?"

        My ex-wife and I agreed to protect our sons from our problems. We never fought in front of him, and we let him know he could talk to each of us on the phone at the office or at home at anytime.  Because I live close by, I have seen Kyle almost every day since our separation two years ago. My ex-wife and I were also careful not to change other things in Kyle's life; his mother still has the same part-time job, and he has the same after school babysitter.

        At first, it was painful watching Kyle play imaginary games in which Mommies and Daddies make up and go home together. I was careful not to involve him in my social life-to protect him-until I met Maggie. She and her 5-year-old-son, Neil, and I have spent a lot of time together, often including Kyle, too. Several weeks ago, I explained to Kyle that Maggie and I were getting married, and Neil would be living with us.

        As I went on talking about how Kyle would be seeing me just as often and have his own room at our house, his eyes glazed over. He looked pale and sad. That afternoon he punched Neil and cried about a toy he couldn't find. Now that I'm married, when Kyle comes over to visit he's either whiny with me or aggressive with Neil, and he ignores Maggie. He even told his grandma that his daddy got a new wife and a new boy.

        I'm not sure how to go about persuading my son that no one will ever take his place in my heart. We all want our new situation to work our for him.

THE TEACHER'S STORY

"C'mon, Kyle. Let's make a spaceship," the children coaxed. But Kyle just shook his head and nestled deeper into my lap. What a change! A few weeks ago, he would have been leading the gang to the pile of blocks, but lately Kyle is too sad to have fun with his preschool friends. Why would a confident boy suddenly begin clinging to his teacher?

        If I leave the room briefly, Kyle drifts into daydreaming. When I'm around, he guards me jealously. This morning he kicked Louis for sitting next to me. I can't understand what's troubling this child.

         Maybe the mystery will be solved when his dad comes in to talk. Although they are divorced, Kyle's parents area involved in his life and committed to him. I'm sure that their interests has helped Kyle do so well, until now. What can I do to bring back Kyle's independent spirit?

DR. BRODKIN'S ASSESSMENT

Kyle's parents have done everything possible to spare their son the grief of divorce experienced by some young children. Since there had been an absence of bickering and they'd built a genuinely amicable arrangement, this child adapted at home and did well in school. Maintaining close contact with both parents eased his fear of abandonment until his dad married another little boy's mother.

        Most preschool children wrestle with thoughts about where they belong in the family. Having to share a daddy (or a mommy) with another family is an additional challenge; but with the help and concern of such caring parents as he has, Kyle should ultimately do well.

WHAT KYLE'S PARENT CAN DO

Right now, Kyle needs extra time, patience, and understanding from all the adults in his life.  He and his dad should have time alone together: a trip to the zoo, breakfast at a local coffee shop, and a regular, private playtime. During these visits, Kyle can express his worries and will come to realize that he has not lost his daddy after all.

        Extra time alone with Mom would also reassure him, especially if she can overcome any mixed feelings of her own about the remarriage. neither parent should become impatient. Kyle's acceptance of this change may take a while; remember, he recently entertained fantasies of his parents' reunion in his play.

WHAT KYLE'S TEACHER CAN DO

In her conference with Kyle's dad, the teacher should praise him for loving care. She might encourage him to set a regular day to bring Kyle to school or to pick him up at the the end of the day. Having Daddy actively involved in his everyday life is a key right now. And since the teacher is neutral and can support each parent's good efforts, she should also offer to chat with Kyle's mother about special things she can do.

        The teacher's acceptance of Kyle's feelings when he expresses them through play would be very helpful. She can also reassure him by reading books to the class about different kinds of families, such as Todd Parr's The Family Book. At the right moment, she could gently suggest that Kyle share his artwork and school experiences with each of his families. Some things are different, but Kyle can be guided to see that Dad's-and-Mom's-devotion to him has remained absolutely unchanged.

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