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How to Negotiate With Kids Even If You Think You Should

What Every Mom Needs

Sing Your Own Song

PARENTING RESOURCES & ARTICLES

Mother & daughter negotiate the teen years

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by Beth Carey - Spirituality.com

        Her already short skirt hiked up even higher when 14-year-old Anna slung her backpack over her shoulder. Her mother, Dara, watched with dismay.

        A mother/daughter trip to the mall the day before had been a trying experience. That skirt was the only one Anna wanted. Dara thought it was just plain too short, but compromised by saying Anna could have the skirt if she used her own money. Deal! Now Anna was wearing it to school the very next day.

         Anna is a tall, attractive, active teenager. She’s on the honor roll, has won second place in the Science Fair, runs track and teaches horseback riding. When her braces come off, high school will know Anna is there.

        Although her mom has good taste in clothes, Anna doesn't like to be told what looks good and what doesn't. "I definitely want to make my own decisions as to what I wear," she says..

Dara realizes she has a lot to learn.
        This and other issues have led both Dara and Anna to admit life between them can be stressful. Anna sums it up in four words: "I want more independence."

        Dara realizes she has a lot to learn from the teenage-parenting years. She says, “The shifts are not easy. I have to recognize that Anna, and our 11-year-old son, Zane, are God's children. I couldn't make them better than God has already made them. My major job is to watch them develop in their own unique way. I don't want to stifle or squash any of God's goodness, which is already there within them.”

        Yet for 13 years she and her husband Rod have decided almost everything for their kids: food, clothes, activities. “They had some input, but we really made the decisions.”

        Letting go of some of the control in decision-making and teaching Anna to make good decisions on her own hasn’t been an easy road for Dara. She sums it up: "By the time Anna graduates from high school in four years she will be making most of her decisions, and we will have the small input. Making that shift in such a short time can be rough. And right now adjustments are big.”

“I no longer try to mold.”
         These adjustments in their relationship affect even the little moments. Dara says she now waits for Anna to approach her first to talk about her day. “She comes home, gets into comfortable clothes, heads to the kitchen for a snack, and then when she gives me the cue, we share ideas. Fortunately, as with hugs, she does like to share, and so we still talk, but she is in control as to when and what she wants to discuss."

        Dara says she is praying daily to let go. “I still want to guide, but I no longer try to mold." In light of that, Dara says talking about prayer and having open conversations about God is very important in the family.

        "God is talked about in our home daily, not just on Sundays. I try to have each of the kids have at least one helpful, spiritual thought as they go off to school in the morning. For example, the other day Anna seemed tired, sleepy, and complained of a stomachache in the morning. I encouraged her to sense God's love wrapped around her like a blanket comforting her all day long. She came home her happy self and said the idea had been a big help."

Anna is a very prayerful teen.
       Sometimes their differences set sparks flying. When things get too hot, Dara and Anna take time-out periods. Anna is a very prayerful teen, so when asked what she thinks about when she walks out of a yelling match, and goes to her room, she says, "I know that I need to calm down. I do want to sustain the fiber of our family.” She continues, "Everything in God's kingdom needs to be in harmony. I try to know that Mom wants only the best for me." Then she mutters, "At least I hope so."  

       Her dad and others have told her that sometimes this type of continual tugging and pulling happens to moms and teenage daughters. But Anna doesn’t buy that. She says, "That's just the way some of the world thinks. Mom and I don't have to follow that type of pattern, even though right now sometimes we have a hard time agreeing."

        Dara wants to let Anna grow naturally instead of “in a greenhouse" where she would never be allowed to try out her own decisions, never be allowed to fail. "I'm trying to let go of the control. You have to trust that God is taking care of both you and your child.”

What about that short skirt?  
         And what about that short skirt of Anna’s? Soon after Anna arrived at school that particular morning, Dara received a call from the principal's office. Would she please bring another skirt or a pair of pants to school for Anna? The skirt she was wearing was too short even for this liberal, public school. Also there would be an hour of detention for Anna after school on Monday.

        When Anna came home, there was no "I told you so," from Dara. Anna just said, "I know, I know," and that was the end of the conversation. Later Anna said, "Thanks, Mom, for bringing my jeans."

        Dara and Anna had both learned from this non-greenhouse decision.     
 

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