|
DIVORCE RESOURCES
Fill out a quick survey and get a $20 gift free!
Click here to enter now!
Start earning money,
work from the comfort
of your home
Rebuilding: Being Authentically “You”
By
Jennifer
Snyder
 I once read a fascinating, but all too realistic, story about a woman who opened
her closet door and out tumbled various pieces of sporting equipment and
memorabilia.
While these possessions represented the last decade of her life, she didn’t
realize until putting them all away that she felt no connection to anything in
her closet. You see, this poor woman had put aside her own interests for the
hobbies of a long line of significant others. Standing before her newly
straightened shelves, she recalled relationships with Partner A in the water
skis, Partner B in the bicycle helmet, and Partner C with a paintball gun. She
asked herself, “How could I have given up so much of myself so that nothing in
my closet reflects my own interests?”
My simple answer is that she had a desire to fit in and be accepted. It’s a
pretty safe bet that if a woman wants to become her partner’s ideal mate, she
only needs to transform herself into that person. And it happens … again, and
again, and again.
Still, we wonder, what does this cost her? And, is it fair to her significant
other? Maybe, most importantly, we need to recognize that following this plan of
action leads her to never finding a true ideal mate.
Like many of my clients, I was raised with the unspoken messages of not asking
for too much, and not being too vocal about my strengths. As a result, this
upbringing and my need to be accepted after my divorce found me dating men who
didn’t require much from their partner. At the same time, they didn’t offer
much, either.
If you were looking for your ideal partner today, would you really be interested
in someone whose only goal was to become your vision of a good mate? Would you
want to spend time with someone who presented himself one way, but after the
curtain was drawn, you saw something much different? Whether the person is a
significant other or a female acquaintance, isn’t this image a little
unsettling?
Last month I received an unsolicited email from a marketing group that not only
promised results, but also assured me I could earn a six-figure income. Since my
business is not focused on earning large amounts of money, I immediately tried
to remove myself from their database. Over the course of several weeks, I
learned that the “customer support” department I was led to believe was in New
York was actually an answering service in Reno, Nevada. Further investigation
found that the “nationally recognized author and speaker” leading their
teleclass had no citations on Amazon or affiliations with the National Speakers
Association. I finally discovered that this marketing group was simply selling
software to small businesses to track leads.
Did I feel like this dishonest company had victimized me? Absolutely!
After the dust settled, it occurred to me that this is the same type of
role-playing
 many people engage in to ensure companionship. While I don’t
believe most women are trying to fool a mate with smoke and mirrors, I do fear
that many transform their lives to match their partner’s because they don’t yet
know who they are, what their likes and dislikes are, or how to measure their
goals and values.
A staggering number of women in my divorce workshops say, “I’ve given so much to
my ex-husband and the family that I feel like I’m left with nothing. I couldn’t
even tell you my favorite color, or what I want for dinner.” My heart
immediately goes out to these women because years ago, their words were mine.
Sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places. A few weeks ago, while
preparing for an appearance on an Orlando news program, I had to confront my
comfortable pattern of downplaying my strengths. In the length of a short guest
feature, I had to explain the ways I help women, and why I’m good at my work.
This moment was significant for me, and one I will remember every time I find
myself wanting to go back to that old habit of not being true to myself.
You can win in relationships and business by authentically knowing and
being who you are, using the skills you bring to the table, and having a level
of comfort that allows for flexibility and change.
Women shortchange themselves by jumping into relationships before taking the
time to fully discover and appreciate themselves. They don’t stop to think about
the characteristics they desire in a partner.
Are you looking for your ideal relationship?
Surprise—it all begins with being authentically you.
About Author:
Jennifer
Snyder, acclaimed life coach and workshop leader, women’s columnist, and tele-instructor
has worked with almost 9,000 women across the United States. Her clients are
separated and divorced women who cannot wait to proclaim their power. Jennifer
can be reached at 919/414-7197 or visit her Web site at
www.timeofyourlifeafterdivorce.com.
|
