Advice for All Single Moms Out There

Advice for All Single Moms Out There
Or at least, we hope so…

Story of a real single mom who has been sacrificed and survived throughout the years…
(The story was submitted to us and she would like to be anonymous because of her living children.)

Sometimes, and more often than not from my observations over the years after becoming a single Mom: Many children act a great deal like the father, even when they don’t know him. If he was nice it is great if not, no matter how kind you are to them, no matter the sacrifices, no matter the hopes and time you share and all the “give ups” for them, they turn out like the father and it can be extremely painful.

I married my husband thinking he was this wonderful man and his family was wonderful. The day we married he threw me into a telephone booth and told me to get some money back from my elderly grandmother, the only person to be able to attend my marriage. Things never got better better but I would go to church each week and hear the forgiveness speech and I would try again and hope again. Then one day after we had 4 homes I had bought and earned and he would not put in one penny on, he told me I was a very nice woman but he did not want my money anymore and that I should stay and have fun with him… I wanted to go home. I had gone to where he was working at the time to plan on our move there and he took me to the airport and left. He had cancelled my tickets and maxed out the credit cards and then he called my children and told them I had asked for a divorce.

This last Sunday I went to church and they talked about if you keep on being kind someday the spouse would turn around and be kind….. my church leader where I used to live said it was my fault I went through so much pain. I should’ve gotten out sooner!

Anyway, after the divorce I spent what money I could on my children. I didn’t date for 10 years. I got them through school, helped them with expensive dates and trips and did without so they could go and do. Their father remarried and they loved her because as they put it, they didn’t have to care for his welfare and so she saved them a lot of work and money. I slept out in cars so my daughter could have medical money when she needed it. They would borrow money from me, get money from me and unbeknownst to me they would go and visit him. Do you think he would spend money on them??? Not on your life! He made them sleep on the floor when they went to see him and spent the child support payments he refused to send when they went to see him on his wife and him and didn’t use it on them! I slept on the floor because we didn’t have money for beds for all of us!

I got laid off in 2001 and my son invited me up to stay with him and his wife in Oregon. I thought he was so kind. But I didn’t get work in one month and so he shut the heat down all day long and it was winter. I was using his computer and I should’ve gotten work in one month let alone two months so he yelled at me and told me I had to fast and made me eat over the sink because I might drop something and he checked for prints when he got home and he kept tabs on every move I made and told me I looked old… I was! I was 57. So I gave up and left and went to my Mother’s to care for her and she was mad if I didn’t jump and put dishes where she wanted even though I did the cooking and wanted me to count the time I was gone when I went shopping and accused me of going out to bars when they went to bed at 6PM and wanted me to go to bed at 6PM and get up at 5 in the morning like they did. It got so I could not even go to Church for two hours…. but that is my Mom…. so I left and My daughter couldn’t understand why I could not take care of her errands and her child and clean the house and look for work all at the same time and they would pick and pick till I could not even remember my own name and would pray for sleep. So I left in the middle of getting interviews because I couldn’t get to them and be ok to think clearly for an interview and while I have always bought Christmas ahead of time and gave them gifts that I had bought 2 and 3 years in advance, they said I was spending money I had no right to spend and I must have money to live on my own or I could not give them gifts. I left.

I am at my son’s house. I have a mattress on a floor and am not supposed to go out and mingle with the people he has visit. He takes his employees out to eat and his friends but I am not to go with them. I can used his computer, his cell phone and spend 30 dollars on food a week to cover him and I. I can make no long distance phone calls on his home phone, and he will pay my truck payments if he can use it in his business. I have to pay the insurance on it, gas I use, any medicine I need, and I have to schedule his appointments and handle PR for the company and his technicians.

Somehow I figure slave labor. I have had many opportunities for part time work but that doesn’t pay for me to be on my own so I am between a rock and hard place. They figure I am lazy……… I have worked since I was 16. I had to trade hair cuts and finger nail manicures for my children’s food and clothes my x didn’t think they needed but if I ask for a credit card payment my son gets angry. I bought life insurance on the guy when we got married so we could start, start retirement and they feel I was not entitled to any of that when he died! I paid every payment on it. He wanted to cancel it and cancelled his GI insurance but I wouldn’t let go of the life because it covered my children till they where 21 and me when I die but I am not entitled?

Be careful ladies. I don’t know that I would do differently but my children get mad if I ask for help… They say I make them feel like they owe me! I was nice to them, all I ask in return is that they be nice to me. I have not asked for new clothes or grand dinners or money I have not earned or will not pay back. Be careful for while I love them, I am scared and tired and lost and I look back and wonder if it was all worth it and wish I had cared for me a little more.

Sometimes it is not wise or worthwhile for you to give your life for those you love. That love may not be returned.

My children have proven to me they will not be there when I am old. My Mother now realizes all the nice things I did for her when I was there, buying her things she liked to eat, getting up in the middle of the night and checking on her and Dad and covering them and well just a lot and so she is sorry, but somehow the beauty of the love I had for my family has died and when they say they love me, I wonder when the yelling and the hitting will start. So care for yourselves and even if it a little and you feel selfish, plan somewhat for your future towards retirement and end of life for if your husband was not kind, you may end up like me and I wish that on no woman. Don’t be too selfish for you have to face God also but don’t be too loving for while God might love you, others here on earth that you have to live with, may not.

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