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Hi Veronica,
Im a single mom living in Canada. I have a 6 yr old boy. I am legally divorced and was separated when my son was 22 months old, my son is now 6 years old. My Ex has barely been in the picture of my son’s life except for when I had made arrangements to have him come over to my house to visit and play with him. In the last 2 years I removed that privilledge from my Ex to come to my home as he has been speaking disrespectfully towards me and wishing ill wishes on our child. We are currently still battling court issues. My Ex has since not been in communication at all with our son. In the last two years he has seen him a handful of times and called him another handfull of times.
I have recently felt that my son would like to see his father. He doesnt often ask, but when the topic arises and I question him he says yes. Keep in mind my son see’s his father as a “playmate” because that is all he ever did with him when he visited for the few hours at a time. My Ex has continuously let me son down on saying he will visit and doesnt show up. At present the arrangements are that a Court Order is in place for him to make arrangements at a supervised access centre to visit with his son, this has been in place since 2011. He has never ever attempted to make those arrangements. My Ex does not contribute to my son’s life in any way, emotionally, physically or financially. This is the bases of our court issues right now – his lack of child support and him wanting shared custody and visits unsupervised.
My question: I dont feel this man deserves to be a part of our son’s life, I dont feel he has anything to offer our son, he doesnt even speak English properly and my son hardly can understand him. The supervised access is fine with me but he has not and probably will not initiate this. My son has at times mentioned that he wishes to see his father….then long periods go by (2 months) where he wont even speak a word of him…out of sight out of mind. I feel it will be more harmful to allow my son to see his father for 2 hours of play and then not see him again for 3 months….I do not wish to be present with the visits. My son is very stable and very smart for a 6 yr old. I do not see any signs of anxiety, disturbance or bad behavior….I dont want to share him with a man who has no rights to him…and thats how I see it.
How do I deal with this? Should I allow my son to see his father even if it is for “play time” for only 1-2 hours, even though long monthly periods will pass before he sees him again? Or should I allow the time to pass, as my son doesnt really ask for him much, and let my Ex initiate the bonding with his son through the access arrangements he is suppose to do? My Ex doesnt even call him EVER to even speak to him….why should I allow them to “play” for short periods ….I think this is more damaging to my son’s mental state, because then he will ONLY be reminded again that his Dad is for play and I am the culprit of keeping this play time way from him.
I am trying to protect him and only want whats best for him. I have a very loving and very supportive immediate family who suround my son with much love and attention. My Ex has no one here. Nothing to offer, not stable financially not responsible (thus the reasons for supervised access).
What do I do? What is your advise? Should I continue to keep things the way they are and make my Ex show that HE is the one that wants to see his son by making the necessary arrangements or should I bite the bullet and allow for my son to visit with his father under my (UNDESIRED) supervision?
Heartbroken mom,
Sonya
I’m a single mother (obviously since I’m here) of 2 boys. Zarek turned 3 on 4-20 and Zander turned 2 on 4-22. Their father left when the Zander was almost 2 weeks old. Well, more of was made to leave. He had become abusive with me and was showing signs of starting to get too angry with my boys. He hasn’t seen them, by his choice, since 10-08-2011. Well I knew it was coming but I didn’t expect so soon so I’m not sure what to tell them. Zarek, from cartoons, is figuring out there is someone missing. He at first started calling my father dad but I simply tell him “No, that’s grandad”. Well, now he’s started looking for someone to call dad so I feel soon the question of where will arise. Earlier today, which sent me on a search for a good answer, he started making his bears hug, play wrestle, walk together, and all that. Then, he started having the little one call the bigger one dad. It broke my heart feeling like I let him down for not making a better choice in who his father is.
My question is… what do I tell him? People keeping saying be honest with an age appropriate answer but how do you make that answer appropriate for a toddler?