Question from Veronica:
hi veronica, my name is also veronica i am 19 and i have a 4month old baby almost 5 months next week. i hate to admit that i feel very hopeless and i can’t get to be where i want to my daughters dad is in her life he see’s her he gets her diapers every now and then but he does it whenever he wants to i havn’t put child support and i understand thats my fault and i still have time to do it.i don’t live with him anymore i’m confused and i guess i still consider being with him because i still contact him and see him when i know i’m just blinding myself he shows no intrest of supporting me at all .everytime i ask him for money so i could go buy my baby things myself since he works he says he will do it but he takes forever ,i ask for money every now and then so i could just have the things i need i have no clothes at all i literally only have one pair of pants and he sees that i have nothing but he never offers to support me the right way. so when i ask for a favor like that he claims that i jjust want money but i know thats just his excuse but this isnt all because of that not only don’t have money i don’t have a job myself at all,i don’t have a car i have no transportaiton no where. i do live with my parents and my younger brother but it’s getting frustrating because i don’t want to rely on my parents when i want to support my daughter.the reason why i left living with her dad was because he would mis treat me alot/abuse me also verbally every time i would try to talk to him but he would get mad when i try to talk to him seriously about him changing.i have no idea what to do.. the house i live in with my parents is a one bed room house my dad and my brother sleep in the living room and i sleep with my mom in the room also with my baby and i feel like i’m a problem even for my parents because we all shouldnt be living this way in one house. one more thing that i would add is that i’ve gotten help from welfare with cashaid and food stamps and idid get it but i no longer receive it for the fact they expected me to go to school or go to their classes and give me the cashaid for doing that but i have no one to take care of my baby nor i also don’t trust no one since she is only 5months neither do i have transportation to do all of that I AM IN A BIG MESS AS YOU CAN READ but i would like to read the advice you can give me i would appreciate alot .THANK YOU.
Answer from Veronica:
First, I want to address your concerns about your ex. Plain and simple, LET HIM GO! You say so yourself that he never treated you right when you were with him, so why would you want to salvage that relationship? The best thing for you and your daughter is to put him on child support ASAP! It’s not as difficult as people think, and most times, it won’t even cost you money. Start by talking to the welfare office that helped you before. If they cannot help, then contact your local State Attorney’s office and speak to the child support enforcement department.
I know that you are still hanging on to hope that you can fix your relationship with your daughter’s father, but you shouldn’t be. In your own words, he would “abuse me also verbally”. Dig deep inside yourself, past where the “love” is, and find the self-respect and confidence you need. Your daughter needs you strong and level headed, not being beaten down by negative words. Also, keep in mind that she will she your pain and how he treats you, you don’t want her growing up thinking that this type of relationship is normal/healthy.
Second, stop feeling like a bother for staying with your family. They are FAMILY, and they are there to help you, just like you will be there for your daughter one day. It’s not an ideal situation, but for the time being, you and your daughter have a roof over your head. If you truly feel like a burden, then maybe try helping more around the house, take a few loads off your mom and dad.
Lastly, lets talk about independence. If you want out of your mother’s house and you want to get a job, then you are going to have to work for it. First, memorize your local bus/train routes. This will give you the transportation you are lacking. You DO NOT need a car to get around, it just makes things easier, but easy is not our goal, independence is! Once you know how/when you can get around, find a babysitter. I know you said you don’t trust anyone with your daughter so young, and I think all moms feel the same way, but it has to be done. If you do not have someone to help you watch the baby, go back to Welfare. Tell them you WILL take the class because you need the assistance back, and you also need assistance with daycare so you can actively look for work. They will revoke your assistance if you do not do the things they tell you, so keep on your toes and focused on your goal.
It seems like you have a long road ahead of you, and I don’t think it is going to be easy. Take one step at a time, and that first step is getting your confidence back. After that you will easily be able to let go of your ex because you will realize you are worth more. Once you do that, the rest will start looking like obstacles instead of brick walls.
Best of luck Veronica. Keep positive and strong.