I woke up in the year 2011, trying to manipulate my mind into leaving 2010 in it’s place. So much has happened to my heart, my pride, my ego, my self that I need to revisit those places to push me to my finish point. Striving to be better in a world were sometime Better is not that much Better.
November 2010, my daughter was diagnosed with Cutaneous T-Cell Lymphoma. My mind became a cloud and I don’t believe I have regained consciousness since that day.
I remember all I heard was Lymphoma a form of Cancer. Everything after became a blur. I sat in the office and looked out the window. Life going on around me and I could care less. I wanted to hit the reset button, there wasn’t one. I wanted to hide under the desk, but people would know my heart had stopped and my world was ending. I had suffered a devastating blow to my life and no one could change that.
Days had past and my heart had not started to beat again. My world had stopped, I couldn’t breathe again. If I breathed again then that would mean that I would have to deal with this dilemma and I wasn’t ready. I wanted to stay dead. Sitting in the doctors office the flood gates opened, I had to remove myself from people. These people telling me that it wasn’t that bad and that things would be okay. I was dead, didn’t they know that. Didn’t they know that my heart had stopped beating days ago.
I walked out of the exam room to catch my breathe. I couldn’t, it was as if there was no oxygen for me to inhale. I blanked out and walked back into the exam room. My daughter asked “mommy are you upset” I replied “Mommy is okay”.
My seven year old turned to me and said “Mommy, you know God is going to take care of me”. At that moment, it was miraculous, I could suddenly breathe and my heart was beating again. My faith had been restored.