Ladies, what do you do when you catch your child smoking a cigarette? You ground them and let them know how completely unacceptable their behavior is, right? So what do you do when you catch your boyfriend smoking or you find out the really attractive man you’ve just started dating smokes? Do you ground them too? Do you tell them how disgusting smoking is and that you refuse to kiss them until they quit?
I know a lot of women who have tried to change their man’s behavior because they thought they were justified in doing so. They thought they knew what was best for their man and by calling him out on it they were doing what was best for the relationship. But really what they were doing was being selfish and putting a serious wrench in the relationship.
Children need to be corrected because they’re learning but men are grown and fully capable intelligent human beings. You can’t change a man and the more you try, the more he’ll run. It’s like trying to turn a dog into a cat. Impossible! Yet there are so many women out there who think if they just do this or they just do that or if they wait around a little longer, he’ll change and love them more or quit cheating or whatever the case may be. But the only way a person can change their ways is if they want to change for themselves. You can’t change your ways or who you are for someone else nor should you have to. This can be said for something as simple as his unbelievably annoying snoring at night to something as heartbreaking as drug addiction.
The way to a man’s heart is through his freedom. His freedom to have his own life aside from his life with you, his freedom to be who he is and not feel pressured to change anything to make you happy and his freedom to do what he wants to do without a woman scolding him and making him feel like a child. To really make a man feel loved, you have to have faith in who he is. What is faith in this sense? Faith in someone is giving them your trust without them having to earn it. Faith in someone is believing in them enough to unconditionally trust them. So when he goes out and doesn’t tell you where he’s going, don’t question him. Trust that he respects you enough that you don’t have to worry about where he’s going because if you can’t trust him then you shouldn’t be with him anyway. When you become involved with a man, you have two choices. You can love him or you can leave him…
Love Him. Now I don’t mean you have to fall in love right away but what you really need to pay attention to is how you feel around him. Our emotions are a very precise and intuitive guidance system that can successfully guide us in making choices. So how do you feel when you’re with him? Happy? Beautiful? Free spirited? Young? In love? If you feel good with him, great! This man deserves your trust. A lot of women feel that men have to earn their trust. We hear women say all the time, don’t trust him til he’s proven himself, men can’t be trusted or he’s just playing you…run! So untrue! If someone has to earn your trust, then you’re insecure. Why should he have to earn your trust when he’s never done anything to lose it in the first place? A relationship cannot grow from a place of not trusting. This means that if there’s any room for distrust, then the relationship can’t grow. I used to be very untrusting of men and all my insecurity ever did was drive them all away. Then I learned the hard way that you have to give blind trust to a man and the way to know if he deserves it right from the start is in how he makes you feel. If he makes you happy and you feel good when you are with him, trust him. Blindly. Faithfully. Giving him your trust shows him that he makes you feel so good that you believe in him and this motivates him to continue to make you feel good. To want to make you feel good. This makes him feel like a man. And if you start to wonder where he is or if he’s still talking to ex’s, check yourself. Are your worries because of insecurities inside of you or do you have valid reasons to worry? And if you absolutely must talk to him about something, do so with an open mind and without an accusatory approach.
Leave him. If a man doesn’t make you feel good when you’re with him, why are you with him? I’ve known so many women who’ve stayed with men that they weren’t happy with because they thought these men could change. Or I’ve known women who’ve left men honestly thinking these men would realize what they lost, change and come groveling back at their feet. Not going to happen. When you are getting to know a man, realize that he is who he is and he is not capable of changing for you. You can’t tell him to change anything and hoping that he will change for you will only hurt you. If you aren’t happy with him, the best thing you can do is either accept him for who he is or leave and let him be and find someone who does make you happy just the way they are.
I’m not saying things always have to be rainbows and sunshine. Even through the hardest times, if you are with someone that you love for who they are, you’ll find happiness with them. The greatest gift you can ever give a man is to accept and love him just the way he is. So find a man that you can feel this way about. Find a man that makes you smile just hearing his voice and whose imperfections at the very least amuse you. Trust yourself that you deserve this because any less is settling.