“Mommy, don’t leave me.” That is a statement i hear from my 4 year old. almost every day. “We can’t leave Danny!” He usually says that to me about his brother, Daniel, when I pick them up from my parents’ house.
“I’m never going to leave you, ever.” And that, my friends, is my everyday phrase to him.
And here is my story; I met my soon-to-be ex-husband when I was 19 and married him within 9 months. I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant a month later. Things between my husband and I were rocky from the start, but I was soo in love with him and NOTHING would tear us apart. Or so I thought.
Things between him and I got from bad to worse in over a course of a year. By the time my oldest was one, my husbands’ yells turned physical. I left him when my son was 2 and went right back to him. I believed him when he apologized and said he wouldn’t do anything to me. There were tears and hugs.
Needless to say, i found out I was pregnant a few weeks later. Infidelity…abuse…hey, I’ve been there, done that. I finally moved out with my 4 year old and my almost 2 year old. I had my parents’ help. I don’t know what I would have done without them.
Right now, his dad and I are finalizing our divorce. He hasn’t seen the boys in over a month. My oldest son saw a lot that he shouldn’t have seen and now I’m haunted with that statement, “Mommy, don’t leave me!” He was deeply affected by his father. He was hurt like I was hurt. And he didn’t deserve it. But he’s left with scars now, that slowly but surely are fading.
I’m 26 years old juggling with work and family and being a mother and father at once. It’s hard. There are days I cry because of how my life “turned out” or because I’m part of the statistic of single women with children. I struggle with my own mind.
All I have to do, though, is hear my childrens’ laughs and their “I love you’s” and that’s when I inhale and exhale. Reminder: “I can do this…”
Written by Kelly Suarez