Do you ever attribute your dating issues to your own faults? Do you sit around and ask yourself and your friends over and over “What’s wrong with me”?, and then narrow it down to something like you’re too picky, you’re too untrusting, you’ve been hurt too much or you’re too fat or some other perceived imperfection?
I used to beat myself into the ground doing this! And I thought I was destined to be alone forever! Every time a relationship wouldn’t work out, I’d find myself making a list of things I needed to fix about myself. And although it gave me a sense of control, it also gave me a sense of unworthiness. But with the way society is today, defining “normal” and “un normal” and all the advice articles out there telling you the steps you need to take to get the perfect relationship and what you need to fix about yourself to be a match for true love, it’s easy to get stuck in this trap of always having to fix things.
But here’s the cycle you get stuck in. You find something to fix, you start fixing it, you find a man and think you’ve found something good because you fixed that thing you needed to fix, that man doesn’t work out, you find yourself devastated and looking for something else to fix…and the whole thing repeats! But guess what?
There’s nothing to fix! That’s right. There is nothing, not one damn thing about you that needs to be fixed because you are perfect! You are beautiful, capable and full of love no matter who you are because as humans we are all beautiful in our own unique way, capable of more than we know and we all have the ability to receive and give love unconditionally. That is what makes you perfect. As for the rest, you know all those things you think need fixing, what you really need to do is Accept and Empower those things about yourself. Don’t try to fix them because they are what color your personality and they are what show you what you truly desire. But our true desires scare us because if we give in to them, we give up control. It’s scary and much easier to deal with wanting to fix them and mold them to something easily accepted by others. But you weren’t put here to please others and be accepted by others. You are here to accept yourself and inspire others. So let’s break this down.
Accept. You have to accept who you are, all of you, without reasoning why. You’re amazing and you don’t need to validate your self- love. So you’re picky, lonely, scatterbrained, untrusting, and too hard on yourself. That’s okay. It really is. You have depth, you defy social standards and you are beautifully complex in your creation. Right now, just as you are, you are imperfectly perfect. If you were perfectly perfect, you would have nothing to be excited about because you would be able to predict everything that happens in your life!
I love writing fiction and it’s like the characters in fiction novels. Do you want characters that are perfectly perfect? Or do you want characters with “flaws” that are imperfectly perfect? You want the imperfectly perfect ones who get to experience the excitement of their journeys and desires unfolding in a story full of depth. You want to experience the exciting journey that the mixing of all of you is going to take you on.
So look in the mirror, acknowledge all that you are and tell yourself that there’s nothing wrong with you and that you accept yourself right here, right now and just the way you are.
Empower. So all those little things you think need to be fixed about you? Let’s change them to things you need to empower. So how is the fact that you feel you are lonely empowering? Because it shows you something that you truly desire! You don’t want to be alone and you can change it right now. Realizing what you desire can lead you on a step by step journey that becomes better and better.
The first step is to realize something in your life or about you that you don’t want. Just realize it, you don’t have to fix it or dig through your past to find its origin. Just realize it. Feeling lonely was definitely one for me. Every time someone would walk out of my life, it was devastating for me because I felt alone. Even if I didn’t like the person that much! I wanted this to change and try as I may, I realized all too soon that trying to go about it in a way of “fixing” or “understanding” only caused me to relive the pain of feeling lonely. So I decided to just realize it for what it was and take it from there. To move forward with it instead of standing still or re visiting the past like so many suggest.
The second step is to let it show you what you do want. When you know what you don’t want, you know what you do want. This is how you empower those things that you thought you needed to fix. If they weren’t there giving you depth and wisdom, you wouldn’t know what you do want. But now you do and instead of trying to fix them in an exhausting battle of changing who you are, you can start easing into what your heart desires. No hard work or any more tears required.
The third step in empowerment is to change your focus from what you don’t want to what you want. So you want to be in love with someone. That exciting, floating on cloud 9 and never feeling alone kind of love! You have to start focusing on love then. Instead of thinking about the ones who aren’t in my life, I started thinking about the ones who are in my life, the people who love me right now. They make me smile every day and there’s nothing to fix there. Instead of dwelling on the despair of not having what you want, dwell on the fun of daydreaming about what you want. Like, how will you feel when that tall, dark and handsome stranger walks into your life and sweeps you off of your feet? Go ahead! Kick back and daydream! Ease up and have some fun with your desires! Just stop focusing on the negative feelings about how you feel about yourself and focus on the positive side of how you feel about yourself. Alone? Focus on not feeling alone by thinking about the aspects of your life that make you feel loved and the things you love about yourself. Daydream about having so many men who love you that you can’t choose. Overweight? Focus on appreciating your desire to feel healthy. The very fact that you wish to feel healthy can empower you to losing weight. Daydream about having your desired body. What clothes will you buy? The more you focus on the glass being half full, the fuller it will become.
Now you can sit back and enjoy the excitement of knowing you are well on your way to all of your desires unfolding. There is nothing about you that you need to fix. All you have to do is accept your imperfections because they are beautiful. And once you do accept them, you empower them to show you and lead you to what you really want. Life is a never ending forward journey. Never stand still and never look back. Your life is perfect right now. You are on the right path. You are perfect.
This is a lesson that has truly changed my life. Once I learned to accept myself the way I am and I quit looking for things to fix about me, I took my happiness to a whole new level.
I love getting reader questions, and if there is anything at all I can help any of you, my beautiful friends with, post your questions on Ask Kristy – Relationship Advice for Single Moms. I will answer and always give my heartfelt advice. I’m here for you so feel free to contact me with your questions and I will get back to you within a reasonable amount of time.
Believe in yourself