Some of you might be able to relate. Some of you might have a history of attracting the same type of guy. They may look different on the outside, but ultimately be struggling with the same issues as the last one. It’s like you can’t get away from that type of man, no matter how hard you try. Some of you might even say, “It’s not that I want those types of men, but those are the ones that keep finding their way to me!” And that indeed may be true. But does that mean that everyone who knocks on your door has to be invited inside?
If you have a tendency to attract the same type of man over and over again no matter what you do differently (even after declaring that you’re going to stay away from certain types), then that is an indication that your subconscious is at work. Your subconscious (hidden desire) is to attract the same type of partner, even though your mind and your good sense are telling you that you want (and need) otherwise. The types that our subconscious often attract over and over that we know we don’t need are often addicts (particularly drugs and alcohol), emotionally-unavailable partners, abusive partners (including verbally abusive), emotionally immature partners, and more.
Now, why in the world would your subconscious want someone like that? Well, if you grew up with a father that was unavailable—either he was physically there and not there for you emotionally, or perhaps, he wasn’t physically there at all, there is a tendency to choose men who, in some way, shape or form, are not “there” for you as well. Fatherless daughters, like me, are particularly vulnerable to choosing partners who, for whatever reason are not going to “be there”. But once you understand the dynamic, you are armed with the information to stop the cycle of partner absenteeism (either emotionally or physically)—hopefully, before another child is involved.
For example, Marietta grew up with a father who was unreliable. Sometimes, he was part of the household, many times, he was not. He was rarely there for her when she needed him as he was not only wrestling with a drug habit, but had several rumored ‘mistresses’, as well. By the time, he had gotten himself together and was emotionally and physically available for his daughter, she was already grown with two children of her own. Her first marriage (to the father of her children) had pretty much ended by way of his absence. He was emotionally immature, not quite ready for the demands of husband-hood and fatherhood and, in Marietta’s words, needed to grow up. Between his need to be in the streets, repeated arrests ‘for doing something stupid’ and other women in the picture, he was incapable or unwilling to be there for Marietta, much less their two children. When she left him, she was heartbroken, but determined to make a fresh start. Now, her second husband didn’t resemble the first at all. He was mature, a good provider and relieved Marietta of the burden of being the primary breadwinner. But he was emotionally unavailable—with a tendency to retreat to himself and not interact with anyone when he was at home. He also had a habit of staying out late, sometimes even overnight.
Marietta was not a stupid woman. She knew what was going on and found herself wracked with confusion and frustration and sadness. This time, she had picked a real man. He was nothing like her first husband. Yet, he was—unavailable. How had she made the mistake again? Surely, she had seen the signs? Why did she deliberately (consciously or unconsciously) ignore them? How could she have been such a fool? Again?
When she went into counseling, after going into a deep depression upon discovering his affair, she found out something startling. Her subconscious had indeed not ignored the signs that he was emotionally and physically unavailable. While they were dating, she noticed the mood swings which would result in him pouting and withdrawing from her, but thought, ‘My love and affection can bring him around and cure him of his moodiness’. She also knew that he had always loved having a lot of women, but she thought, ‘That was in the past. He wouldn’t have asked me to marry him if he didn’t love only me. My love will keep him faithful.’