Finding a soul mate cannot heal what is broken within you. Finding a soul mate cannot heal what is painful within you. The love of someone who cares for you cannot heal the wounds you have acquired from a traumatic childhood. The love of a partner cannot rescue you from the clutches of dependency—whether it is shopping, eating, sex or drugs or something else. The love of another person cannot save you from sadness, from anxiety or from whatever is within you. I can’t emphasize this enough.
If you have issues, such as discussed above, then you owe it to yourself and to your children to get help, real help. And that doesn’t come in the form of a Prince Charming. Sorry. I wish it did. I once thought it would. ‘He just has to be the right one.’ I imagined. ‘Once, I meet that right person who is meant for me (my soul mate), everything is going to fall into place and my life is gonna finally be what it was meant to be.’
Ummm… not really. Chances are, you’re going to have to be your own rescuer, your own Princess Charming (or should I say Queen Charming). More than likely, you’re going to have to do the dirty work in terms of fixing yourself up on your own.
Lord knows I know. I suffered from depression for many years. My favorite go-to-remedy? Fantasizing. One of my biggest fantasies was about finding my soul mate. I imagined that my soul mate would come, I would be healed by the force of his love and support and that suddenly, my life would make sense. Quickly, the fantasy evolved into something a little more practical (taking into account the persistent depression that had deeply affected my life).
I reasoned that my soul mate would probably be a lot like me, someone who was smart and talented, but who was quite lost, had a lot of hidden pain and needed help in life. Together, we could love each other through our inadequacies and through the force of our love, enter the magical land of healing together.
Knowing that I suffered from depression affected the potential partners I was attracted to. I was attracted to the underdogs, the fixer-uppers, the potentially brilliant, talented guys with tremendous potential, but, who were stumbling, hesitant, brooding, sensitive, moody, and sometimes, even downright miserable. I could never be with a “normal” guy, I reasoned. Sensitive, moody, troubled guys were so much more interesting. But, the reality is that I felt I couldn’t match with someone who already had their shit together. I needed somebody who was struggling with life like me and then we could figure things out together.