Dan asked: When I’m out with my friends, and I notice someone I want to talk to who is surrounded by her friends, I get kind of nervous and don’t know what to say. I tend to shy away from women who seem a little more closed off, even if they are the ones I really want to talk to. Do women unintentionally shy away from talking to someone new, even if they are open to connecting with someone? Do your readers have any advice for me, or do they feel the same way?
Hi Dan! If you want to start an intimate relationship, first you have to think about your intention, and attraction. You clearly want to connect with a woman, and although you find yourself attracted to more closed-off women, you end up talking to the ones who are open and warm. So how can you switch gears and learn to approach the women who don’t come off as approachable?
Yes, many women do unintentionally shy away from talking to people who are unfamiliar, but personalities vary greatly, and some women are just more outgoing and engaging that others. So given that you’ve already discovered some women are warmer and more open than others, here’s my question for you: what is it about the closed-off women that attracts you, versus the open and warm women? If you can get clear on exactly what you’re attracted to and what kind of person you want to be with, you can set your intention, picture it, and then let it go.
Gauging availability can be tricky, but you it’s a critical factor in starting a relationship. Yes, there is a small percentage of women out there who are so shy that even if they find you attractive and they’re available, they would never be able to bring themselves to show it. But most women will give off clear signs if they want to be approached and are available. They might look at you and extend the glance, or look repeatedly to see if your looking. They might twirl their hair or laugh. They might “accidentally” brush past you or bump into you.
A woman who is not available or not interested, on the other hand, will keep her sexual energy level firmly under control. She will not come across as anything other than friendly, she will not lock into an extended gaze with you, and she won’t make excuses to touch you or brush against you. So these are all things to keep in mind.
Statistically, successful relationships usually begin with some sort of mutual connection. This could be a friend who introduces you, but it could also be another connection like working in the same office building, or shopping regularly at the same grocery store. Meeting someone at random is more difficult, but there are a couple of ice-breakers you can try to help build your confidence up.
First off, try authenticity. Most women would love to hear more sincerity and fewer cheesy pick-up lines. There’s nothing wrong with saying, “hi, I’m Dan, it’s nice to meet you” or “what brings you here?”
Secondly, you can always chat about the weather. This is a social norm that works really well to break the ice, and it’s a good way to judge whether there’s any interest there. “Great weather we’ve been having” or “it’s been chilly but at least summer’s coming” can lead to all sorts of conversations about outdoor activities, plans for the summer, and so forth. The possibilities are endless.
Thirdly, you can try doing something nice, a small gesture. Offer to get her a drink at a party. Hold the elevator for her in your office building. Little things like these can go a long way; just don’t do it because you expect something in return! Your only goal should be to express your hospitality.
As human beings, intimacy and connection are important to us. We are social creatures, but I’d recommend holding back on certain elements of being social, at least until you know a person better. Things like sarcasm, dirty jokes, and lewd comments might go over well with your friends, but with a new person it’s hard to tell what they might react badly to!
Article by Maryanne Comaroto